Three Secrets of Resilient People
In my work with women recovering from the sudden end of their marriage, we focus on the many emotions they experience - shock, hurt, devastation, sadness, anger - but there’s one emotion that, although everyone goes through it, is not often talked about and that’s grief.
Women in my community sometimes say that it would be so much easier if their husband had died. Then they could just grieve purely, supported by the rites and traditions around death and mourning. But although the wives I work with have experienced an enormous loss, it’s a complicated grief, spiced with hurt and anger along with the longing. There are no defined rites and traditions and no members of the community bringing them cakes and casseroles.
I recently presented my yearly workshop on Resilient Grief in which I discuss the work of Dr. Lucy Hone, a researcher on resilience from New Zealand, who herself experienced the devastating loss of her 12 year old daughter in a car accident.
In her TedX talk, Dr. Hone defines the Three Secrets of Resilient People as:
Resilient people know that suffering is part of life. When the tough times come, they seem to know that suffering is part of every human existence. Knowing this keeps you from feeling like a victim or discriminated against. You don’t ask, “why me?” You ask, “why not me?” Terrible things can happen to you, just like everybody else. Time to sink or swim.
Benefit Finding - try to find things to be grateful for. Resilient people are very good at choosing selectively where they put their attention. They can realistically appraise situations and manage to focus on the things that they can change and somehow accept the things that they can’t. Don’t lose what you have to what you’ve lost. Resilient people don’t diminish the negative but have worked out a way of tuning into the good. Tune into what is still good in the world despite everything that happened.
Ask yourself this question: Is doing this going to help me or harm me?Put away the old photos, stop looking at his Facebook page, be kind to yourself. Asking yourself this question puts you back in the driver’s seat and gives you some control over your decision making. Pay attention to where you pay attention. Question whether the ways you are thinking and acting are working for or against you.
I love all three of these secrets of resilient people and believe that if you can adopt this way of thinking, it will help you with your grief. With regard to the second, it reminds me of two quotes from the Academy Award winning documentary, The Lady in Number 6, which is about the life and philosophy of Alice Sommer who was the oldest living Holocaust survivor when she died at 110.
In the film, she said: I believe that there is good and bad in everything. I choose to look at the good. She also said: Even the bad is good if you know where to look for it. Wow! That’s strength of mind!
Dr. Hone talks about the value of putting benefit finding into practice by doing the simple act of keeping a journal in which, each night before bed, you write down three good things that happened that day. Research has shown that this gentle practice will improve your mood and lead to more happiness overall.
Resilience is something that you can develop - you don’t need to be born with it - but like anything valuable, it takes work. Incorporating these Three Secrets of Resilient People will change your life. Keep reaching for the light!
Tell us below what practices you use to strengthen your resilience.
