Of all the rites of passage you will need to get through in the first few years after your husband leaves, the Christmas season is probably the toughest. With all the emphasis on Christmas as being a time of families getting together, when your own family doesn’t look or feel the same as it had in past years, it can really hurt.
Not only are you relentlessly bombarded with “Christmas cheer” everywhere you go, you’ll also have to contend with what in the world you’re going to do about the stuff of Christmas - the tree, decorations and those ornaments that you may have collected over the years.
Christmas tree ornaments are about family time. Each one contains inside it a little bomb of a memory. As you unpack each colorful bauble, you’ll remember where you were when the two of you got it. In years gone by, you might have enjoyed reminiscing with your husband: “Remember when we bought this one at that little shop in Maine?” “Remember when your mom gave us this one just before she passed?” “Remember when Alison made this one from styrofoam and cloves when she was in the third grade?”
They’re precious and also they’re little charming hand grenades threatening to blow and break your heart.
I was talking with a group of women from our community the other day and they were sharing their experiences with Christmas and particularly, ornaments for the tree. Elena said that she couldn’t bring herself to open the ornament box from last year so she went to the pharmacy and bought a whole bunch of new ones, but, at the same time, she couldn’t bring herself to give her heirloom ornaments away.
Suzanna said that she’s late this year in decorating the house and has only put up a few things, not like in past years when the whole house was dazzlingly bedecked, but that’s okay. She’s not stressing about it and that’s a big step in growth. Self-compassion.
Jenna talked about being alone for Christmas this year for the first time in 49 years but said that there’s a sense of freedom in being alone and that’s okay.
We talked about how, as the years pass since their husbands left, the women found themselves in different stages. Carla said that in the first year, she felt she was performing, trying to act normal although inside, she was anything but. She wanted to make the season feel festive so she pasted a smile on her face. She was in that stage of survival mode - a bit dissociated - just pushing through.
Strangely, it got harder a year or so later at Christmas when she was healed enough so that she was no longer numb and could feel the sadness and grief. She felt more normal but also more sad.
Phoebe had the last word. She said, “Let it be”. Whatever you’re feeling, just feel it. The good and bad emotions will ebb and flow. It’s like you’re in a canoe, paddling down a river. You may hit some rapids and you just have to remember that the turbulent water can’t last forever so just keep going. Soon enough, you’ll be in smooth flowing water, moving on.
You will click into a new normal at some point and you may be glad you hung onto your old Christmas ornaments. They’ll look so lovely on your tree. I hope you have a peaceful holiday season!
