We were having such an interesting discussion tonight in our meeting of my online Hearts & Minds Divorce Recovery Group and I wanted to share it with you. We were talking about how much power our ex-husbands have to hurt us, even long after he leaves. For example, I remember sitting with my daughter in a cafe several months after my ex ran away when I glimpsed him coming in the door. I got so upset; it was almost unbearable. Just seeing him from across a room had that much power to totally screw me up? Why?
We were discussing this in the group when a new thought struck me. You were traumatized in the initial early days when it was revealed, in whatever way it happened to you, that the marriage was over. You were shocked. You had a huge adjustment to make in the blink of an eye - to integrate the fact that the man you loved and trusted for all those years had betrayed you.
Plus, in the early days, he might have said horrible things to you, blaming you and putting you down. The depth of the hurt comes from the fact that he shifted from the person you trusted with all your heart to an angry stranger.
At that time, he had all the power. Unbeknownst to you, in most cases, he was having an affair and had been planning his departure for some time. He may even have been shifting funds and organizing your finances to benefit him.
He also had all the power in that he made the decision to leave and there was nothing you could do about it. All the pleading in the world wouldn’t budge him. By the time you heard about it, it was a fait accompli.
But now, some time later, maybe even years later, it still feels like he has the same power to hurt you although he could never hurt you like he did in the initial revelation. Now you know not to trust him and that he can manipulate you - you know he no longer has your best interest at heart.
Often the meanness he demonstrated in the early days when he was breaking the relationship is not so much in evidence as time goes on. Particularly, after the divorce is finalized, his actual power to hurt you may be much diminished. Yet, the fear remains. Is it time to let that go?
Could you be open to the possibility that you can dial down his power, even a tiny bit, so that anything he does now is not going to upset you so much? Would you allow yourself to make a buffer so that anything he does no longer hurts to the same extent? After all, what’s the worst thing that could happen?
I think that, over time, you’re still reacting to him with the same fear you felt in the early days when you didn’t know what to expect. Now you know the measure of the man and even if he’s frustrating, difficult or even mean, it won’t come as a surprise. The shock value is over.
My wish for you is that you turn down his power to upset you so that rather than getting wounded or outraged, you can say, “There he goes again - I know his tricks and ways!” My wish is that you will be able to remember that the thing he did to hurt you today, won’t hurt so much in three days. You will be able to recover quicker until the point that it only upsets you marginally and then, only for 20 minutes until you shake it off.
His power to hurt you to the extent that he did in the beginning, is gone. You’ll never again be shocked and have to adjust to the new vision of your beloved husband - you now know that you can’t trust him.
So again, could you be open to the possibility that you can dial down his power, even a tiny bit, so that anything he does now doesn’t upset you so much? Would you allow yourself to do that? When?
