It’s Time to Dial Down Your Ex’s Power Over You

We were having such an interesting discussion tonight in our meeting of my online Hearts & Minds Divorce Recovery Group and I wanted to share it with you. We were talking about how much power our ex-husbands have to hurt us, even long after he leaves. For example, I remember sitting with my daughter in a cafe several months after my ex ran away when I glimpsed him coming in the door. I got so upset; it was almost unbearable. Just seeing him from across a room had that much power to totally screw me up? Why?

We were discussing this in the group when a new thought struck me. You were traumatized in the initial early days when it was revealed, in whatever way it happened to you, that the marriage was over. You were shocked. You had a huge adjustment to make in the blink of an eye - to integrate the fact that the man you loved and trusted for all those years had betrayed you.

Plus, in the early days, he might have said horrible things to you, blaming you and putting you down. The depth of the hurt comes from the fact that he shifted from the person you trusted with all your heart to an angry stranger.

At that time, he had all the power. Unbeknownst to you, in most cases, he was having an affair and had been planning his departure for some time. He may even have been shifting funds and organizing your finances to benefit him. 

He also had all the power in that he made the decision to leave and there was nothing you could do about it. All the pleading in the world wouldn’t budge him. By the time you heard about it, it was a fait accompli.

But now, some time later, maybe even years later, it still feels like he has the same power to hurt you although he could never hurt you like he did in the initial revelation. Now you know not to trust him and that he can manipulate you - you know he no longer has your best interest at heart.

Often the meanness he demonstrated in the early days when he was breaking the relationship is not so much in evidence as time goes on. Particularly, after the divorce is finalized, his actual power to hurt you may be much diminished. Yet, the fear remains. Is it time to let that go?

Could you be open to the possibility that you can dial down his power, even a tiny bit, so that anything he does now is not going to upset you so much? Would you allow yourself to make a buffer so that anything he does no longer hurts to the same extent? After all, what’s the worst thing that could happen?

I think that, over time, you’re still reacting to him with the same fear you felt in the early days when you didn’t know what to expect. Now you know the measure of the man and even if he’s frustrating, difficult or even mean, it won’t come as a surprise. The shock value is over.

My wish for you is that you turn down his power to upset you so that rather than getting wounded or outraged, you can say, “There he goes again - I know his tricks and ways!” My wish is that you will be able to remember that the thing he did to hurt you today, won’t hurt so much in three days. You will be able to recover quicker until the point that it only upsets you marginally and then, only for 20 minutes until you shake it off.

His power to hurt you to the extent that he did in the beginning, is gone. You’ll never again be shocked and have to adjust to the new vision of your beloved husband - you now know that you can’t trust him.

So again, could you be open to the possibility that you can dial down his power, even a tiny bit, so that anything he does now doesn’t upset you so much? Would you allow yourself to do that? When?

---

Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.

---

Powering Up and Powering Out When Your Husband Leaves

When I was a little girl, my mother took me to see the movie Peter Pan. At a certain point in the film, Tinker Bell, that sassy, feisty, hot-tempered fairy, starts to lose her pixie dust and becomes weaker and weaker, her sparkle fading, almost to the point of extinguishing. The kids in the audience looked on anxiously but then, wonderfully, we were given the power to bring Tinker Bell back to life. We had to clap. We all started wildly clapping and soon, Tinker Bell was bright and sparkly again. Relief! We had saved her!

As soon as my husband left, like Tinker Bell, I started to lose my power. I became weaker and weaker, dropping 30 pounds and eventually being diagnosed with anemia. I remember lying on the sofa, hardly moving, struck down by life. Food was unappealing. Everything was an effort. My light was dwindling.

Fortunately, I had the love and support of my friends and family who were clapping wildly and through their encouragement and my own determination, I started, over a period of months and years, to re-ignite my life force. It was a lot of work but eventually, I got my sparkle back.

I’ve been thinking about how, when your husband leaves out-of-the-blue, he takes your power with him. At that moment, he has all the power and you have none. You may wish with every fiber in your body that this would not be happening, but you’re completely helpless to affect his decision and change the course of events. 

Women often ask me why their husband needs to literally run away, providing her with the scantest of explanations and the briefest of discussions about his life-changing decision. Why doesn’t he invite her into the living room and say, “We need to talk”? Why doesn’t he then spend the time she might initially need to talk it all through, helping her achieve that most precious of gifts: understanding. Instead, why does he typically disappear, blocking her from any further in-depth explanations that might help her get a grasp on the catastrophe that’s happening in her life?

You’ll be surprised by my answer to those questions. He needs to leave your life running because, to him, you’re so powerful. You’re the one who can make him feel bad and he can’t take it. He can’t take seeing your pain; he can’t stomach hearing you cry; he can’t tolerate your questions - why, why, why? If he stuck around much longer, he might have to register the effect his actions have had on you, so he has to leave as quickly as possible because you have that power, although you don’t know it. Although short-lived, in the beginning you had the power to make him feel bad about himself.

Back when you were a wife, you had an authenticated role - you were the acknowledged wife in your couple and in the eyes of the world. That role bestowed on you the dignity that comes with a secure knowledge of your unique place. It was a primary piece of your identity. But remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Resist the outdated stereotype that says that married women are somehow more valuable than single ones. We’re well past that!

So, Tinker Bell, how do you get your pixie dust back now that your ex has scattered it to the winds? How do you get back your power, now that you no longer have that socially sanctioned, well-defined role of wife?

You have to do what all female superheroes do - get in touch with your own wise woman power to determine the next chapter in your life and only you can do that. You need to start respecting yourself! If you’re looking down on yourself for not being a wife, you’ll end up spending too much time lying curled up on the sofa. You may need to try on a different role - that of a sassy, feisty single woman who loves herself just as she is and doesn’t need a man, or anyone else, to define her. That role may not fit comfortably in the beginning, but you’ll grow into it if you let yourself.

We’re all clapping for you and looking forward to you getting your sparkle back. Don’t let anyone take that away from you!

Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.

---