When I was a little girl, my mother took me to see the movie Peter Pan. At a certain point in the film, Tinker Bell, that sassy, feisty, hot-tempered fairy, starts to lose her pixie dust and becomes weaker and weaker, her sparkle fading, almost to the point of extinguishing. The kids in the audience looked on anxiously but then, wonderfully, we were given the power to bring Tinker Bell back to life. We had to clap. We all started wildly clapping and soon, Tinker Bell was bright and sparkly again. Relief! We had saved her!
As soon as my husband left, like Tinker Bell, I started to lose my power. I became weaker and weaker, dropping 30 pounds and eventually being diagnosed with anemia. I remember lying on the sofa, hardly moving, struck down by life. Food was unappealing. Everything was an effort. My light was dwindling.
Fortunately, I had the love and support of my friends and family who were clapping wildly and through their encouragement and my own determination, I started, over a period of months and years, to re-ignite my life force. It was a lot of work but eventually, I got my sparkle back.
I’ve been thinking about how, when your husband leaves out-of-the-blue, he takes your power with him. At that moment, he has all the power and you have none. You may wish with every fiber in your body that this would not be happening, but you’re completely helpless to affect his decision and change the course of events.
Women often ask me why their husband needs to literally run away, providing her with the scantest of explanations and the briefest of discussions about his life-changing decision. Why doesn’t he invite her into the living room and say, “We need to talk”? Why doesn’t he then spend the time she might initially need to talk it all through, helping her achieve that most precious of gifts: understanding. Instead, why does he typically disappear, blocking her from any further in-depth explanations that might help her get a grasp on the catastrophe that’s happening in her life?
You’ll be surprised by my answer to those questions. He needs to leave your life running because, to him, you’re so powerful. You’re the one who can make him feel bad and he can’t take it. He can’t take seeing your pain; he can’t stomach hearing you cry; he can’t tolerate your questions - why, why, why? If he stuck around much longer, he might have to register the effect his actions have had on you, so he has to leave as quickly as possible because you have that power, although you don’t know it. Although short-lived, in the beginning you had the power to make him feel bad about himself.
Back when you were a wife, you had an authenticated role - you were the acknowledged wife in your couple and in the eyes of the world. That role bestowed on you the dignity that comes with a secure knowledge of your unique place. It was a primary piece of your identity. But remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Resist the outdated stereotype that says that married women are somehow more valuable than single ones. We’re well past that!
So, Tinker Bell, how do you get your pixie dust back now that your ex has scattered it to the winds? How do you get back your power, now that you no longer have that socially sanctioned, well-defined role of wife?
You have to do what all female superheroes do - get in touch with your own wise woman power to determine the next chapter in your life and only you can do that. You need to start respecting yourself! If you’re looking down on yourself for not being a wife, you’ll end up spending too much time lying curled up on the sofa. You may need to try on a different role - that of a sassy, feisty single woman who loves herself just as she is and doesn’t need a man, or anyone else, to define her. That role may not fit comfortably in the beginning, but you’ll grow into it if you let yourself.
We’re all clapping for you and looking forward to you getting your sparkle back. Don’t let anyone take that away from you!
