I can only imagine what you are going through if you’re providing emotional support for a close relative or friend who’s husband suddenly left. An abandoned wife is typically an emotional wreck. She’s in a state of shock and has an overwhelming need to talk and cry and talk some more in a desperate attempt to understand how her husband could have left in the way he did. Most abandoned wives turn to the people close to them to be there to listen as they go over and over and over what happened, trying to make sense of it. And that’s where you come in.

You may also have been shocked to hear of her husband’s leaving but you have to put your own feelings to the side because of the enormity of her pain. You so want to help but find that nothing you say or do, particularly in the early days, can make her feel better and you worry as you watch her falling apart. You feel helpless.

Sometimes, you may dread it when you see her name on your phone’s call display. You’re in the middle of a pleasant afternoon and you know that by picking up, you’re committed to a long, painful conversation. You may feel frustrated. As time goes on, you may develop what’s called compassion fatigue because although you’re devoted to her, you never get the satisfaction of being able to cheer her up or make it right.

If her husband was your much loved son-in-law or brother-in-law who’d been in your life for decades, you may also be grieving. You may still love and care about him but can’t reach out to him because that would destroy her. Or you may be consumed with hating his guts and want only the worst for him and wish there was some way you could hurt him like he hurt her.

You may have a role to play if she has children, stepping in to make sure that there’s food in the fridge, dinner on the table and homework being done while their mom is in bed staring at the wall. And it breaks your heart to see what the kids, no matter their ages, are going through and that adds to your burden of worry.

As time goes on, things may get better but then something new happens that sets her back to what feels like square one. For example, she may learn that there actually was an other woman, or he may send a bailiff to serve her with divorce papers at her work, or she may have to face seeing him at their daughter’s wedding. Each new catastrophe means many more hours of processing it through with her, wiping away her tears and trying to encourage her.

As hard as it is, you do it because you love her and want to help and you know she’d do the same for you.

Here are some important things for you to know:

Her recovery back to relative normalcy is going to take much longer than you expect and that doesn’t mean that something is going wrong. It just takes a long, long time to recover from the trauma of abandonment.
She will recover. Although it may seem impossible from this vantage point, most women do regain their balance and rebuild their lives.
You just need a lot of patience, but if you accept that she won’t be able to pull it together quickly, then you may feel less anxious. Just know that it’s normal.
She needs to go through the process of healing - feeling wretched at first, crying, sad, hopeless. Then maybe transitioning into some anger, which can be motivating. And then working towards reducing his power in her mind and focusing on her own life. It’s a process and it takes the time it takes.
It’s hard on you and you have to take care of yourself, too. You need to be extra kind to yourself - try to do things to relax, maybe pamper yourself. Being her support is an important job and not an easy one.
How to know when she’s not recovering? If she’s drinking or using drugs or food to numb herself. If she’s still stuck, suffering and obsessing, on a daily basis more than two years after he left. Then, try to encourage her to get professional help or, if she refuses, speak to someone yourself.

Your needs will have been relegated to the back burner while you’re doing the compassionate work of providing her support but you’re important, too. You may also be struggling, exhausted and wishing this were over. Just remember, as huge as this feels, it too shall pass and you all will move on to a new but different chapter at some point. In the meantime, pat yourself on your back - you’re doing a wonderful job! You’re priceless!