Want to Stop Feeling Like a Failure? Flip it!
You know who you are. You know your value. He doesn’t get to define you - no more, no way! Instead, flip it!
Tonight we had our second meeting of Hearts & Minds (my eight session online therapy group) and we talked about so many amazing things, I wanted to share some of them with you. The focus was on how to stop letting your ex-husband control you. He can say whatever he wants but if you can recognize that it is coming from a destructive place, you can turn it around and say, “I get to define myself - I’m not letting him define me any more!”
So often women feel like failures that the marriage ended and part of the reason you feel that way is because your ex had told you that you were a failure. Sometimes he even presents his wife with a list of all her deficits and being nice girls, we believe the garbage he’s saying. We let him remain in the position he was in throughout the marriage - the arbiter of what’s right or wrong. So when he outlines for you all the ways he thinks you’ve failed, It makes you second guess yourself - maybe he’s right!
One of the participants in Hearts & Minds tonight told us what to do when we feel like a failure - flip it! Rather than saying, “I must be a failure because I couldn’t keep my marriage together”, say, “I’m amazing because I kept a marriage going with such a deeply flawed person! If I didn’t take such good care of him, this marriage would have fallen apart years ago!”
Another participant came up with another way to flip it. Rather than to say, “I feel so badly that he sees me as such a controlling bitch”, say, “I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate who I am after all these years and instead sees me as a controlling bitch!”
Another participant suggested that we put his message to the test. Rather than swallow whole whatever he says about you, ask yourself, “Is it true?” Just because he says it doesn’t make it true. You know who you are. You know your value. He doesn’t get to define you - no more, no way! Instead, flip it and say, “He’s a broken man that makes him behave in this disrespectful, cold and selfish way and I don’t want that in my life.” You don’t have to be subject to his distorted assessment of you. So the next time he puts you down, flip it and remember that you don’t want to be with someone who is so blind that he doesn’t know you by now.
One way that I’ve suggested to women to flip it is the following. Instead of feeling so sad that you don’t get to spend your future together with your aging ex, just realize, “I had the best years of his life. It’s fine with me if she (the other woman) takes over as nursemaid in his dotage!”
Alice Sommer, who was the oldest Holocaust survivor before her death at the age of 110 said about her approach to life, “There’s good and bad in everything. I choose to look at the good.” So when you’re focusing too much on the bad, just flip it! There’s some good tucked away in there somewhere!
Hey, what are your thoughts on this? Let us know below in the comments.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
The One Word that's Keeping You Stuck - Why
The whys are buzzing around your head like a swarm of angry bees and you can’t get away from them. If only you could break free . . .
Why didn’t he tell me he was unhappy?
Why didn’t he want to work on it?
Why did he become so mean?
Why can’t he see that he’s hurting the kids?
Why is he so mad at me when he’s the one who left?
Why is he so unreasonable in the divorce process?
Why do I still miss him after all he’s done?
Why do husbands who are LOVED do THIS?
The whys are buzzing around your head like a swarm of angry bees and you can’t get away from them. If only you could break free but it feels like you can only break free when you can answer all the whys and that’s where you’re stuck because you just can’t. At least, not yet.
We humans are programmed with the need to understand our lives. When life is predictable, we feel safe. We keep an agenda so we’re prepared for what’s coming. When something unexpected happens, we need to identify the cause and might even make up some unscientific reason just so that we have some explanation - the need to understand is so strong.
Over the years, so many women whose husbands have suddenly left have told me that if only they could understand what motivated him, why he turned so mean, why he didn’t want to go to counselling, then they could start to move on. That yearning to understand how a loving husband could morph overnight into an angry stranger is normal and understandable. The problem with it is just that you may never get the answer you desire and deserve.
So how to move on without closure? How to move away from the whys? When I was a kid growing up in New York City, if I’d ask a friend “why?” about something, she might respond, “just because”. What does “just because” mean? It means, “I dunno - there’s just no answer to the why?”
The desperate need to peer into your ex’s mind and fully understand his motivation is keeping you stuck. My recommendation is to take a giant scissor and just snip off the why at the beginning of all those sentences and see what you get:
Why //// didn’t he tell me he was unhappy? becomes - He didn’t tell me he was unhappy.
Why //// didn’t he want to work on it? becomes - He didn’t want to work on it.
Why //// did he become so mean? becomes - He became so mean!
Why //// do husbands who are LOVED do THIS? becomes - Husbands who are LOVED do THIS!
When you eliminate the why, you can breathe. You start to accept that this happened, that he did what he did just because, and you can come to a place of acceptance.
Of course you continue to need to know why and over time, you will unravel the mystery little by little - I can help you with that. But it’s the relentless drive to know why right now that keeps you up at night, tormented by the swarm of bees. If you can accept that over time, the information that answers your questions will come to you naturally and that, over time, your mind and heart will evolve to be able to absorb what you’re learning, then the bees will slowly fly away so you can rest and continue on your journey of healing.
So the next time you’re struggling with a sentence that starts with why, take a big scissor and snip off the why and accept the declarative statement that’s left, or maybe just answer it to yourself with just because.
Take a sec and let me know your thoughts about this post down below in the comments!
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Hi! I’m Vikki and I'll be your guide in your recovery process from Wife Abandonment Syndrome. I’m a therapist but also an abandoned wife like yourself and I know what it feels like. I want to help you not only bounce back, but to discover a new you in the process.
