When You Can't See the Mountain for the Trees
So think about it for a moment. In the intensity of longing for something you have lost, have you lost sight of the precious gifts you still have?
Have you ever been to Sedona, Arizona? If you have, you’ll know that it’s one of the most beautiful, magical places you’ve ever seen and that’s because of the vortex energy and the spectacular red rock mountain formations that encircle the city in an embrace everywhere you look. I don’t even know how to describe it to you if you haven’t been there but take it from me, the mountains that surround the tiny town of Sedona are literally breathtaking.
I’m lucky enough to lead an annual women’s divorce recovery retreat in Sedona and this year, we booked into a new hotel that boasted of mountain views from every room. I was delighted! The thought of sitting on my balcony with my coffee in the morning gazing at that view - perfection! So when I arrived and pulled open the curtains to my room and saw this big bushy tree right in front of me, between me and the mountains, I was thrown off. “Hey, where’s my view?”
Do I go to the front desk and try to change my room? I made myself a cup of tea and sat on the balcony to think it through when I heard a quiet sound. I looked up and the cedar tree in front of me was whispering. She said, “What about me? Can you see me? I’m here, I’m green, I’m fresh, I’m actually very lovely. What about me? You’re going to tour around all day long, looking at the red rock mountains, hiking on red rocky trails. They’re beautiful, yes, but maybe you’ll need me at the end of the day.”
Of course! I had so anticipated gazing at the mountains in the distance that I couldn’t see the beauty right in front of my eyes. So I said “thank you” to the cedar tree for the lesson learned - in striving for something you think you want, you might miss the magic right in front of your eyes.
So think about it for a moment. In the intensity of longing for something you have lost, have you lost sight of the precious gifts you still have? Take a breath, take a minute and let yourself appreciate that beauty that lights up your life, in spite of it all.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
What You've Lost - What Still Remains
How can you be both authentic and feel your true feelings while, at the same time, work on cultivating the awareness that although you have lost so much, you still have so much left?
We had such an interesting discussion last night at one of the meetings of my online divorce recovery group, Hearts & Minds. One of the women was talking about all she has lost since her husband left. Her son just had his high school prom and, before the event, all the parents were invited to a pre-prom party. When she arrived, all dressed up, she did a quick scan of the room and her heart sank when she realized that she was the only single parent present. All the other women were there with their husbands.
I don’t need to tell you what that feels like. I know you’ve been there. I know I have. That empty feeling, lonely, a bit embarrassed - all the fun drained from the party while you have to keep up a brave face, counting the minutes till you can leave.
At the meeting last night, the other women in the group were empathizing with a communal groan. But I was looking at it a bit differently. Knowing the prom boy’s mom, I thought about what she has lost, but also, everything she has; a secure job, a big support network and three beautiful kids - things that many women in the world would kill to have. So, I brought up that aspect - that in spite of all we lose, we have to keep an eye on all we have.
Earlier in the session, one of the women was talking about gratitude and how what Oprah used to call the Gratitude Attitude is so important to happiness and I talked a bit about that. It’s been a frame of mind that I’ve tried to cultivate in my own life. When I’m miserable about something, I try to fly over it to get a different perspective and remind myself that so many other women have it so much worse. I find that helps me stop feeling so miserable.
But then, a different woman in the group challenged my approach. She said how important it is to really feel your feelings, not to deny or suppress them. It’s okay to let yourself feel the hurt because . . . it hurts! It hurts to be the single woman in the room when last year, you would have been sharing the fun with your husband. It hurts to not have someone to unpack the evening’s events with later in the privacy of your home - to talk about everything that happened and how great your son looked in his suit. That’s a reality too!
Seesaw. Seesaw. How can you be both authentic and feel your true feelings while, at the same time, work on cultivating the awareness that although you have lost so much, you still have so much left? I remember having seen Tony Robbins at a conference a few years back talk about his 90-second rule. He said that when something upsets him, he allows himself only 90 seconds of suffering and then he turns it around and I thought - how do you do that? (Disclaimer: don’t try this at home! LOL)
Perhaps the answer is that it’s a matter of degree. Of course, in the beginning, right after your husband leaves, there’s not much you can do other than to survive. There are only small things that help to lessen the suffering, like disciplining yourself to not check the other woman’s Facebook page if you can, but you’re certainly unable to see anything past the intensity of the pain.
Later on, the work of recovery is to explore ways of managing the suffering so you are not totally helpless in the face of it. One of those ways is to practice that gratitude attitude and develop an awareness of what is left after so much is lost. That doesn’t mean sugar coating the painful times. It means letting yourself feel them but, at the same time, recognizing that blessings remain.
Some women keep a gratitude journal and write down three good things that happened that day each night before bed. No matter how difficult life can be, there’s always something to feel grateful for and by writing it down, even if it’s a struggle to locate anything positive, you’re training yourself to scan your day for little particles of joy. And that’s a good thing!
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
3 Tips to Help You Get Through Thanksgiving Without Too Many Tears
This year, the holidays are going to be a doozie. You not only have to deal with the pain of remembering happy Thanksgivings past when you celebrated with your husband and the family but you also may have to be planning a quiet meal with just the few people allowed in your bubble . . .
This year, the holidays are going to be a doozie. You not only have to deal with the pain of remembering happy Thanksgivings past when you celebrated with your husband and the family but you also may have to be planning a quiet meal with just the few people allowed in your bubble. No setting a big colorful table for twelve decorated with a paper fan of a turkey as the centerpiece this year!
Add to that the reality that your husband may be off celebrating with someone else - a real slap in the face on a holiday. You probably can’t corral your mind to stop thinking about him slicing turkey in some other woman’s kitchen, imagining that they’re having a jolly good time while you’re home, maybe alone, with the cat.
And, to add insult to injury, for some reason, the holidays are the time of the year when most runaway husbands fly the coop, so you may also be suffering from anniversary syndrome - the sadness that returns at the time each year when you’ve suffered a significant loss.
What a mess! Believe me, I know how much it hurts. But we’re all in this together so we have to come up with a plan to get you through the day without too many tears. What to do?
Here are three tips to help you cope with the challenge of Thanksgiving when your husband has left:
Don’t let yourself wallow. No matter how grim you may feel, do something a little bit special with the day. It may be a real effort to call a friend and take a walk or to bake yourself your favorite pecan pie, but just do it, even if it’s minimalist. The effort you put into any act of self-care will have surprisingly expansive results, helping to lift your spirit (even a bit). And you’ll feel proud of yourself.
Do something for someone else. Again, it doesn’t have to be big. But that phone call to offer holiday wishes to your elderly uncle or the book you’ve read and enjoyed that you drop off at your neighbor’s will take you out of your own suffering and expand your heart. It will do you good.
Remember what Thanksgiving is all about. It celebrates the first harvest after an awfully hard year for the Pilgrims - a time to appreciate what you’ve got. It’s normal to be focused on what you may have lost, but for a short time on the holiday, turn your mind to all the blessings that you have. You’ll realize that there is still so much left.
I’m thinking of you and sending a big hug. You’re not alone! Inspire us below in the comments by telling what you’re planning to do for the holidays to make yourself feel better.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Want to Stop Feeling Like a Failure? Flip it!
You know who you are. You know your value. He doesn’t get to define you - no more, no way! Instead, flip it!
Tonight we had our second meeting of Hearts & Minds (my eight session online therapy group) and we talked about so many amazing things, I wanted to share some of them with you. The focus was on how to stop letting your ex-husband control you. He can say whatever he wants but if you can recognize that it is coming from a destructive place, you can turn it around and say, “I get to define myself - I’m not letting him define me any more!”
So often women feel like failures that the marriage ended and part of the reason you feel that way is because your ex had told you that you were a failure. Sometimes he even presents his wife with a list of all her deficits and being nice girls, we believe the garbage he’s saying. We let him remain in the position he was in throughout the marriage - the arbiter of what’s right or wrong. So when he outlines for you all the ways he thinks you’ve failed, It makes you second guess yourself - maybe he’s right!
One of the participants in Hearts & Minds tonight told us what to do when we feel like a failure - flip it! Rather than saying, “I must be a failure because I couldn’t keep my marriage together”, say, “I’m amazing because I kept a marriage going with such a deeply flawed person! If I didn’t take such good care of him, this marriage would have fallen apart years ago!”
Another participant came up with another way to flip it. Rather than to say, “I feel so badly that he sees me as such a controlling bitch”, say, “I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate who I am after all these years and instead sees me as a controlling bitch!”
Another participant suggested that we put his message to the test. Rather than swallow whole whatever he says about you, ask yourself, “Is it true?” Just because he says it doesn’t make it true. You know who you are. You know your value. He doesn’t get to define you - no more, no way! Instead, flip it and say, “He’s a broken man that makes him behave in this disrespectful, cold and selfish way and I don’t want that in my life.” You don’t have to be subject to his distorted assessment of you. So the next time he puts you down, flip it and remember that you don’t want to be with someone who is so blind that he doesn’t know you by now.
One way that I’ve suggested to women to flip it is the following. Instead of feeling so sad that you don’t get to spend your future together with your aging ex, just realize, “I had the best years of his life. It’s fine with me if she (the other woman) takes over as nursemaid in his dotage!”
Alice Sommer, who was the oldest Holocaust survivor before her death at the age of 110 said about her approach to life, “There’s good and bad in everything. I choose to look at the good.” So when you’re focusing too much on the bad, just flip it! There’s some good tucked away in there somewhere!
Hey, what are your thoughts on this? Let us know below in the comments.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
What To Do When You've Lost Your "Go-To" Person
Apart from all the hurt, outrage, sense of betrayal, bewilderment and sadness that comes with Wife Abandonment, perhaps the most difficult feeling of all is the loss of that “go-to” person with whom you share all the little details of your life . . .
In last night’s Hearts & Minds group, we were talking about the feeling of being alone. Apart from all the hurt, outrage, sense of betrayal, bewilderment and sadness that comes with Wife Abandonment, perhaps the most difficult feeling of all is the loss of that “go-to” person with whom you share all the little details of your life.
Whether your relationship with your husband was glorious or mundane, he probably was the person who knew what was going on in your life better than anyone else. He was there when things happened to you and you naturally turned to him to talk it through. There’s a comfort in being able to tell your ongoing narrative to someone who has a stake in your happiness. The loss of that hits hard.
There are so many examples of when you might feel it. You take a walk and are delighted to run into your old college roommate, Sue, who just moved into the neighborhood. Typically, you’d come home and say to your husband, “Guess who I met on my walk?” but now, you have no one with whom to share it.
One high point in my life was when I was a guest on the Today Show. It was a big thing for me and I was high when I walked off the set after my interview. I so very much wanted to call my husband and say, “I did it!” and share the moment, but he’d already left. Of course, I could call a friend or my kids, but you know - it’s not the same.
So last night, at the group, we worked on what to do when you feel that need to talk to someone. Some said that, yes, they have friends or family they could call, but after a while, they worry about compassion fatigue. Our suffering goes on for months at the least and only very noble friends or family can take the ongoing working through that you need to do.
Of course, time does heal, but in the meantime, we came up with some suggestions that are within your power to do to try to help yourself. We talked about doing art as a way of expressing what you are feeling. You don’t need to be an artist to get a drawing pad and markers and just put down your feelings in line and color. It may feel awkward at first but you will get more comfortable if you keep at it.
Another woman suggested going for a run or doing exercise as a way of expressing yourself and getting your feelings out. And, of course, we love the idea of connecting with nature in some way.
Another suggestion, which has been proved to be very therapeutic, is to keep a journal and write it all down. When you got back from your walk, you can write down that you met Sue from college and she moved into the neighborhood. When I returned to my room after the Today Show, I could have written all the feelings about what it was like.
It’s a letter to yourself and although it doesn’t make all the hurt go away, it trains you to do something positive when you’re feeling the pain. You can become your own “go-to” person - someone who is always on your side, cheering you on!
These simple suggestions may be hard to put into place but every small step you take for your own healing makes a big difference, even if you feel it at the moment. I wish I could suggest the perfect thing that will do the trick and move you along. If I could, I would! But after a decade of helping women recover from abandonment, I know that it’s a complex process that needs the time that it needs, but I also know that making even small efforts are very important.
Share your thoughts below about what you do when you wish you had a “go-to” person in your life.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Some People are Painting Rainbows
Let’s not miss the good in the bad. Let’s use our own creativity and make a souvenir to remember this wild trip by. All the things that seemed unthinkable that have become everyday. We need to write it all down . . .
Do you feel like a pioneer yet? Are you doing things you never thought you would do? Cutting your own hair, home schooling your kids, baking your own bread, making do with whatever you have in the larder? This time is going to go down in history. Let’s not miss the hidden gift.
Alice Sommers, the oldest living Holocaust survivor who died at 106 said, “Even the bad is good if you know where to look for it.” Let’s not be so focused on the bad that we miss the opportunity to experience the good. The universe has pressed the reset button. Mother Nature has sent us all to our rooms to think about what we are doing to this planet. Let’s not skip that lesson.
This is a time of creativity bursting out everywhere. Some talking dog YouTube videos are so funny that people are laughing till they cry. I was invited to an international dance party. People are writing songs. Balconies are the new concert halls. Here in Montreal, we stood on our balconies and sang Leonard Cohen songs. In Italy, they’re singing the national anthem and playing accordion for the neighbors. People are cooking. My friend heard of a woman who is drawing a flower every day. I heard that kids are painting rainbows and sticking them in the front windows.
People are resilient, self-reliant, resourceful. We’re not bothering our doctors with small issues, our dentists’ offices are closed except for emergencies. We’re figuring work-arounds to make things happen. The organic grocer is taking orders, bagging your things and passing the bags to you through the front door. You pay online.
Let’s not miss the good in the bad. Let’s use our own creativity and make a souvenir to remember this wild trip by. All the things that seemed unthinkable that have become everyday. We need to write it all down. The schools are closed, restaurants are closed, we don’t meet our friends, we don’t go into work, Stephen Colbert did the Late Show from his bathtub. We couldn’t have imagined this!
As much as we’re avoiding each other, we’re reaching out to each other. Checking in. We have more time now that we’re not commuting, now that some of us are not working. We can contact our cousin in Tucson. We can have dinner parties with all of the guests eating at home connected by Zoom. Young people are distributing flyers offering to go grocery shopping for old people. We sign our emails to our friends with “Be well and stay safe.”
I honor the check-out workers at the supermarket. I send love to my mailman. I bow down to the nurses, doctors, ICU staff, respiratory therapists. I pay reverence to the hospital cleaners and kitchen staff. I appreciate the public officials who are working hard. The doormen, bus drivers. I don’t forget the garbage men and those that work in the recycling plant. We see you. We honor you. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Namaste.
Families are coming together or exploding apart. People are out strolling in household clusters. Husbands and wives are fighting. The stakes are high. Beautiful moments are experienced with kids. Vicious fights taking place at 4am with everyone listening. When this is all over, the landscape will have changed.
We have more time. The world has become a village. Every day is Shabbat. The skies are fresh and pollution is clearing because people aren’t driving. We’re cleaning our closets. Taking the dog for long walks. Doing Yoga with Adriene. Meditating. Taking up running.
How about keeping a journal on paper so you can remember it all? You can make one if you don’t have an old one in the back of the closet. Keep notes on events and thoughts. How are you feeling today? How did you sleep? Any bizarre dreams? Suffering? What’s the latest unthinkable thing that is happening? What are people saying?
Write it all down and then use your creativity. Put color in it, paste something into it, a quote, make a drawing, insert a photo that you can print on your printer. Make it beautiful, or raw, or painful, or full of fear but express it. And then express it again later in the day or tomorrow.
This is one for the books. Let’s not let it pass us by in a haze of anxiety, selfishness and fear. As Ryan Holiday said, the obstacle is the way. We can use this crisis as a springboard for growth and change, love and kindness, courage and grace. Embrace it. Breathe.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
We Will Muddle Through This Together with Courage and Grace
If you can stay in the present moment, do some exercise, don’t let yourself awfulize and remember that this is not going to last forever, we’ll all muddle through this. You’re going to have to be tough and not spill your worries on your children or any other vulnerable person in your life. You can do this! . . .
I’m struck by how this crazy virus crisis is the same as being hit by Wife Abandonment Syndrome. You’re going along, living your life, unsuspecting, and then something unthinkable happens out-of-the-blue. Your whole pattern of living changes in a short period of time, new revelations unfolding day after day. You keep hoping that it’s not true, that there’s been some mistake, but there’s no turning back.
You think longingly of your secure past, when the world made sense but now you’re living with an uncertain future. You don’t know if your finances will ever recover. You worry about how it’s going to affect your kids. You’re managing a sense of fear and threat all day long. The landscape of your life is unrecognizable.
Whew! Double whammy! For those of you who have newly experienced wife abandonment, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. At least, you know you’re not alone - you and everyone else on this planet are in the same boat! The coronavirus crisis most likely stirred the cauldron of emotion about your husband’s departure. You may be feeling acutely alone and worrying about who will take care of you if you get sick. It may have awoken your anger that he is with someone and has abandoned you to your fate.
Like wife abandonment, in the current crisis there’s no way around it - you have to go through it. It forces you to work on yourself, to be calm and not spiral out of control. It requires that you strengthen your mind and figure out how to tame your emotions.
You need to stay in the present moment. Most probably, if you had never heard of the coronavirus, you’d be more or less fine (okay - just dealing with the runaway husband). It’s spring and the trees are budding, the flowers are coming out here in the northern hemisphere. We worry about what will happen but if we could just stay in the here and now, it would help. We’ll deal with whatever will come when it comes. Like they say in AA - one day at a time.
This is how I’m coping. I’m quarantined and working remotely with clients so I’m pretty much home most of the time other than taking the dog for a walk. So I start the day early with a half hour meditation and that’s very important. It’s a mini-vacation for my mind.
During that half hour, I try to keep my focus on the meditation and as my mind wanders away like a frisky puppy, I summon it back. Some days it’s easier than others but I always feel better after meditating. And, by the way, there are sometimes other women from our Community meditating at the same time using Insight Timer (the link is on the Runaway Husbands website) and I love that! If you want to join, you don’t need to commit to a half hour. Start with ten minutes and slowly work up over a few weeks. Just do it every day. It will do you good.
Another thing I’m doing is some form of exercise - usually yoga. I tune into a YouTube channel called Yoga with Adriene. She’s a sweetheart yoga teacher who lives in Austin, Texas and has dozens of classes of all different levels and durations. It’s very low tech and you know she’s a good person. Her dog, Benji, is often just lying around near her yoga mat. So there’s another hour when I’m not thinking about the coronavirus.
I’m cooking good food and walking in the sun and I’m more in touch (remotely) with family and friends than I typically have time for. And, of course, I’m lucky because I’m very busy with work.
If you can stay in the present moment, do some exercise, don’t let yourself awfulize and remember that this is not going to last forever, we will all muddle through this. You’re going to have to be tough and not spill your worries on your children and any other vulnerable person in your life. You can do this!
It’s always important to strengthen your health, don’t eat or drink too much and quit smoking, if you smoke. And at some point in the future, you’ll say, “Remember that crazy time in 2020 when the world was reeling from the coronavirus? Wow! That was intense.” And life will go on.
Just know that I’m thinking about you. If you’re on our Runaway Husbands Community Facebook page, tune in to my Facebook live Q&A (7:30pm eastern on Wednesdays), when I answer questions and just connect with you. We’re a community and now, more than ever, we need to support each other with loving kindness.
Stay well and share your thoughts below.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Four Practices to Help You Feel Better: reflections from my week at a yoga retreat
A couple of weeks ago, I took myself off to spend a week at a yoga retreat in the Bahamas. The retreat was at an ashram and along with lots of yoga, I did daily meditation and attended workshops on a bunch of topics, from mindfulness to forgiveness. I so often thought about you, always looking for things to bring back, like a mother bird flying around looking for worms to take back to the nest . . .
A couple of weeks ago, I took myself off to spend a week at a yoga retreat in the Bahamas. The retreat was at an ashram and along with lots of yoga, I did daily meditation and attended workshops on a bunch of topics, from mindfulness to forgiveness. I so often thought about you, always looking for things to bring back, like a mother bird flying around looking for worms to take back to the nest. The retreat was great for me and I feel changed by it - calmer, more steady and optimistic about the future.
So I’m bringing back to you some thoughts that originated at the retreat and also in discussion with the women in the current Hearts & Minds online divorce recovery group. Here are four practices for your reflection:
Detachment
Aren’t we all suffering because we can’t detach from our ex-husbands? Hasn’t thoughts of him colonized your mind, maybe tormenting you day and night if you’re in the early phases of recovery? Aren’t there hooks that keep you connected to him, ruminating about everything? Are you ready to untie those bonds?
There’s always a lot of ambivalence about detaching from him; it’s loaded with significance. It means that you fully accept that it’s over - and that’s huge. It may feel like you’re letting him off the hook. As long as you’re still grieving, in some cosmic way, you’re holding his feet to the fire, keep him responsible. And there’s a feeling of emptiness that you can avoid as long as he is firmly in your mind.
Detachment is a big task and cannot be accomplished in the early phases, but at some point, you’ll need to accept that it is over, release your grip and let it all drift back into your past. When you’re able to detach, you’ll free your mind and heal your heart. It means turning your vision from the past to your future. You can do that!
Resilience
We all have a natural bouyancy. When we sink to the bottom of the pool, we’ll naturally float back up. The body is programmed to heal - your cut finger will eventually be as good as new - it knows how to repair even without you doing anything about it.
Resilience means you have the capacity to recover, to bounce back. It doesn’t mean that you’ll bounce back right away as if nothing awful had happened, but it means that, in your heart, you know that you will. Eventually. It’s the expectation that this too shall pass - that you may not know what shape your life will take but you believe that whatever it is, you’ll be okay. You know you have the capacity to heal.
Rewiring
Rewiring means that you will need to challenge the thoughts that keep you stuck. This is where you shape some new neural pathways and fight against negativity. Science has shown that you can lift your mood just by changing your expression. When you smile even if you don’t feel pleased about anything, the body doesn’t know that the gesture is not genuine - the smile just naturally lifts your mood.
Another experiment showed that if you lift your arms in the air in a triumphant pose as if you’d just won a race, even if you don’t feel triumphant at all, you’ll be more likely to do well on a job interview than if you’d not. What you do and say, even if it’s not heartfelt, will bring you closer to those positive emotions. They rewire new neural pathways - it’s the “fake it till you make it” theory and it holds water. What you practice grows stronger.
So if an acquaintance at work asks how you are and rather than say, “miserable”, you say, “I’m okay” (even when you’re not), you’re making a cause to be one step closer to actually being okay at some point in the future. Just save the truth for those close to you who want to help.
Self-care
There’s a lot you can do to grow from this trauma but it means that you work on it in a consistent way and that requires self-care. I’d love to see you adopt some daily practices that will strengthen your spirit inch by inch. The effects of trauma get lodged in the body so you need to do healthy body practices to release it.
An example would be to do ten minutes of meditation every morning. If it’s too hard to sit quietly and focus on your breath, you can easily use an app that offers guided meditations of any length. If just sitting at all is too hard, how about a meditative walk around the block, where you notice the light, colors, trees, snow, whatever?
Other self care practices include yoga, t’ai chi, stretching exercises, singing, playing the piano, running - anything you do for yourself (you moms of young kids may need to get up 15 minutes earlier to carve out that time for yourself). It means putting some thought into doing something that you know is healthy for you, even if you don’t feel like it. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. Recovery comes in tiny increments and sometimes, you can’t see that it’s happening, but if you do something positive for yourself, it will add up and you’ll be headed in the right direction.
I hope these four concepts offer you food for thought (that mother bird again!) and that they help you access the hidden opportunity in what you are going through. You are being forced to work on yourself and develop self-healing and self-care practices that will serve you well no matter what you have to face in life in the future.
And, as always, let me know your reactions to all this below in the comments.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Natural Healing
Forest Bathing, in Japanese, Shinrin Yoku, is a therapeutic practice that was developed in Japan and is now being taught around the world. It’s not just a walk in the woods. It’s about going out in nature and really connecting . . .
The heart of Montreal is the mountain. It’s not really a mountain, it’s more like a hill, but it’s the center point of the soul of the city. The mountain is really a park, designed in the 1880s by Frederick Law Olmsted, the same architect who designed New York’s Central Park. There is a wide paved path that circles around the mountain, as well as rustic trails that may trick you into thinking you’re out in the woods. On a beautiful weekend day, you might run into two or three friends on the path as the whole city is drawn to the vibrancy and tranquility of Mont Royal park.
The year my husband left, I turned to the mountain for solace. The weekends were long and quiet and I developed a practice of walking on the mountain every Sunday morning. My heart was aching but being in nature was a balm and I always felt better after my walk. Even though it was winter, he left in November and remember, this is Canada, I would dress up warmly and take to the path. It helped.
This past fall, I turned to nature again to connect with tranquility. I was able to hike in the woods (the real woods) every weekend for six weeks in a row. At some point on each trail, I would stop and stand still for a while, listening to all the sounds, watching all the life around me, breathing deeply and feeling like the breath was healing. This practice of arriving in a place of stillness in the woods would nurture me all week long.
I didn’t know that what I was doing had a name. It’s called Forest Bathing - in Japanese, Shinrin Yoku. It’s a therapeutic practice that was developed in Japan and is now being taught around the world. It’s not just a walk in the woods. It’s about going out in nature and really connecting - moving slowly with no destination and taking it all in. You can learn about it here: Forest Bathing.
Let me suggest that you try it. If you can’t get to the actual woods, find the most rustic park in your town and let the trees heal you. The trees, grasses, birds, water are all alive - see if you can feel part of it; if you can connect, even a little bit. It’s a practice so the more you do it, the easier it gets to relax into the arms of nature. And it will put your soul to rest.
Please share your thoughts and experiences below. We love to hear how nature has healed you.
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Don't Let These Men Define Us Incredible Women!
Don't let these terrible men define us incredible women. We are so much better than them and we should be thankful to be free of someone who doesn't value all that we have to offer. I used to obsess over the fabulous life these young women were having with my husband, and then I realized he's not that great and he's not smart enough to keep up his fake charade of being amazing for very long.
Okay. Kick off your shoes. Get a cup of tea. Get comfortable. This is a long one but oh, so amazing. Here’s a heartfelt letter I received from Michelle from Atlanta and I so very much wanted to share it with you. It’s full of great advice to you from someone who has been there and gotten through it. Thank you so much, Michelle, for giving me permission to publish it! I know it will help so many women!
When my husband essentially abandoned me I was so distraught, but in my case he strung me along with false facts for many painful months. By him telling me how awful I was, that I wasn’t a supportive wife, that he didn’t deserve to be treated so poorly, and that I should have seen this coming, he kept me in a state of panic and desperation. It also shifted the power dynamic completely to his favor, despite my knowing none of what he was saying was true. I started the long “pick me dance”, and so began my many months of complete humiliation trying to convince my husband that he should come back to the life he claimed I forced him to leave.
When I think back now on all the completely degrading ways I kept trying to get him to acknowledge me (and the children), I feel sick. Through very expensive lawyers and years of waiting for discovery, I finally found out a lot of the truth. My husband was not only cheating, but with multiple women and spending money like he was a billionaire when he wasn’t. It was only first class travel, expensive hotels, lavish meals, etc. I am too embarrassed to write how much money was spent in a typical month, and what's even worse is that he had nothing tangible to show for it except an expanding waist line.
I can't believe he was able to get away with this for so long. I truly believed he was spending all of his time working on our growing business. I mean I did see him on TV as he was interviewed on CNN and Fox News, so it wasn't that I was completely delusional! The depths of the lies and deception were incredible and eventually it did lead to his downfall at work, but that just too impacted me financially.
Now with time, I realize that a man who cared about me would never leave us for himself and blame me fully for it. That he was a coward and a covert narcissist. That I kept trying to convince him he had it all wrong and that our relationship was worth saving, probably just made him feel great, but didn’t change a thing. It also didn’t stop him from syphoning our money secretly to new accounts, setting up new credit cards or sleeping with age inappropriate women.
There were lots of red flags during the time he left before I found out the truth, but I had made it my mission to convince him to come back and stupidly overlooked all of that. Also, with the perspective of time, I can see that even if all my convincing had worked, or if the younger women had dumped him, that I never would have had the same relationship again with my husband. What I mean is that I was on such a campaign to have my old life back I never really stopped to realize that what I was fighting for wasn’t worth it anymore and that I deserved much, much better.
The only comfort I have in this nightmare is that one day I can tell my children that I did absolutely everything to try and save our marriage. Something my ex-husband will never be able to say.
Here are some things that I would recommend to anyone else going through abandonment::
1) Watch videos and read self-help articles but don’t share them with him. I scoured articles and videos online that seemed similar to our situation and sent them to him often. I was obsessed and there is a lot out there to find. I doubt he ever read or watched them.
2) Don’t send him messages late at night. I sent him repeated texts very late at night, or in the early am, when I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes they were loving and sometimes pleading and begging for him to respond and return to us. Sometimes I was upset and lashed out. He rarely responded, but that didn’t stop me from sending. I now know he was in bed with other women at the same time. This probably made him feel even better about himself since he was getting away with cheating and I was still begging for him. So degrading and disgusting!
3) It’s ok to be stunned and hope he will come back, but don’t wait too long. I told lies to our children and friends that he was busy working and out of town to cover for him and keep his spot open in our life in case he decided to acknowledge me and our kids one day and come home. Looking back I should have probably only done this for a month or two, not almost a year.
4) If it looks like a duck, it’s a duck. I found a lift pass for a 20 something year old female for Machu Picchu in our home and believed his story when he said he had no idea what it was and that he had never even been there. Later I found out that he had in fact gone there with this girl, paying for two first class plane tickets, expensive hotels and a private tour guide, all while he claimed he was working in a different state.
5) Don’t be afraid to snoop. I didn’t check the cell phone bills. I think I was afraid for what I would find, but boy how I wish I would have done so much earlier than I did. I would have known the depths of how much he was cheating and with how many random women. This from a man I could barely get to respond to a text from me or the kids, I found hundreds, if not thousands of text messages with random women. That stung.
6) If you see something unbelievable, don't convince yourself it's not possible. I saw my husband in his SUV on the road in front of me with what appeared to be a young woman in the passenger seat and started to follow him. I then called him while following him and he said I was crazy and just seeing things. I proceeded to follow him for miles and miles and he wouldn’t pull over. I think this may have been one of my lowest points. I later found out that I was right. There was a female in there the whole time who had climbed into the back to hide. Did I mention I had his own mother in my car with me while all this was going on? I still feel so sick about that experience when I think back on it now.
7) Don’t sign anything! I signed what I thought were refinancing documents for our new home that turned out to really be a way for him to pull out extra cash to spend on his secret life with women. I wish I had not “trusted in my husband” and sought outside counsel before signing anything. I was more concerned with being a loving, supportive and welcoming wife, that I went against all of my better judgement. I can see now that the time around the signing of these documents that he was charming and manipulating me and it worked. Don't fall for it!
8) If he moves out, change the locks. If you can change the locks or set up surveillance cameras to keep him out, do it! In my case leaving the door "open" for his return majorly backfired. I found out in court while on the witness stand when my ex's lawyers put papers in front of me that were in my handwriting, that my husband had invaded my privacy and stolen from me. Apparently he knew when I was out of the house with the kids and took his time going through everything, and I mean everything. He even stole some of my things and my favorite jewelry, though I could never prove it. But the worst of it is he managed to find my personal therapy journals and took photos of everything and then attempted to use them against me in court! I was beyond mortified and humiliated.
Here is some advice for someone who is in the worst part of their nightmare:
1) Enjoy the divorce diet weight loss! Seriously, I actually got down to my college size jeans and was amazed. It also helped with my low self esteem after being rejected by my husband.
2) Don’t avoid going to gatherings or events where it will be mostly couples. I always ended up having so much needed fun and it is rare that the couples stick together the entire evening. Feeling normal from time to time was so nice.
3) Keep appointments that you don’t think you can handle. This includes hair cuts, mani-pedis, doctor's appointments, book clubs, school meetings, family gatherings, etc. I always thought of cancelling, but every time I went, I came home grateful for the distraction. There is nothing worse than time alone to keep you from being able to move forward. Know that you will go there and people will ask about your husband and or talk about their amazing husbands/lives, but don't let it affect you.
4) It's ok to not want to take your wedding rings off. I found it very hard to remove my wedding rings, so I rarely did. One thing I would recommend is maybe going to a grocery store or to an event well outside of your normal living area without them on as a first step. I found a grocery store two towns over and actually had single men interact with me which was a nice and welcomed feeling. People might say something to you about still wearing your rings, but it's not their business, and only you can decide when you feel comfortable removing them, if at all.
5) Take up a new hobby that your husband would have thought was stupid or a waste of time. Mine used to make fun of me when I made jewelry. I enjoyed making it (therapeutic) and giving it as gifts to friends. Now I am trying to make a real business out of it! I know it isn't probably healthy, but I dream of my jewelry line becoming successful not just for me and my kids, but so my ex can be frustrated.
6) Try and find a local divorce recovery workshop. They usually are not expensive and typically they have a speaker first and then break into smaller groups. I met some incredible people who I still talk to today. It’s tough to even show up and a bit humiliating, but don't leave! The one I went to actually had volunteers in the parking lot to help convince you to come in because they said so many people would turn around and leave. I’m so glad I didn’t!
7) Be prepared for the people you thought would be there for you not to be. I’m not sure why, but divorce to some people is almost like you have an infectious disease. They want to be supportive but not get too close. It’s upsetting, but if you know that it might happen, you won’t take it too personally. Sadly, this also applies to close family members. There were some get togethers that I wasn't invited to when normally I would have been. It hurt a lot, but just know that it will happen. I was also told once by a friend that I wasn't invited to something because the hostess was afraid her husband might talk and flirt with me. Strange but true!
8) It’s ok to let go of the commitment you made in front of your Rabbi/Minister/God. It is ok to let go of the dreams and all those plans for your future. This really is the hardest part, especially if you have children together. When I would think about being an empty nester all alone it made me feel physically sick. I held on thinking that one day that my husband would have an epiphany and remember our vows, our life, our plans... but that day never came. A man who would cheat and lie doesn't care about those commitments and only cares about himself. Plus who wants to be with a man who doesn't honor something so sacred? Would you have married him the first time if he had done this in his previous relationship with another woman? Probably not.
9) I feel it's ok to contact the other woman, but don't say anything incriminating that can be used against you! I never did this and regret it. The main young woman my husband cheated with is still hanging on to this day. I wish more than anything I would have reached out to her once I saw evidence years ago. Of course I don't know what would have happened, and chances are she still would have stuck with my husband because she is fully supported by him, but at least I would have gotten my truth out.
10) It’s ok to put yourself out there to date even if you still believe the horrible things your husband said about you. There are several women I am in touch with from our Sedona trip who say they have just given up and don’t even attempt to look for a relationship anymore. I say that is so wrong! That means their ex wins! The ex is still hurting you despite being long gone and living their fake new life with their pre-pubescent girlfriend. It’s like taking poison and hoping they get sick.
Final thoughts - That I was willing to do anything to get my dream back was, and still is, so humiliating. It’s also tough to come to terms that my not so great ex chose someone not so great over me. I’ve heard all the sayings like, “your better off without him”, or “one day he will realize what he gave up”, but the problem is that doesn’t make you feel any better. It still really hurts that my husband gave me up, our children, our fabulous life, all for a 20-something year old art school drop out who is not particularly attractive or smart.
Yes, I may be in my 40’s, but I am highly educated, told I am fairly attractive, am a very compassionate, friendly person, who is well liked and respected. Did I mention I have two Emmy awards? None of this was enough to keep my husband committed and it still hurts to this day. Sadly, I still fight daily with bitterness, which I hate. I dream of karma but it hasn’t come. Or at least not the way I want it.
However, I do know how lucky I am. I am recently remarried to the most incredible man. He sees in me all the things my ex-husband discarded and apparently didn’t value. My kids even like him (though that took some time and removal of their father’s brainwash and lies). I feel lucky every day, and I work very hard not to sink back into my bitterness and anger since I still have to deal with my awful ex due to the kids and our business. When my new husband and I tell people our story, we often hear the words “fairytale ending” or “I just got goose bumps”. I NEVER would have imagined that would be me since I was stuck for so long believing what my ex thought of me. I am so glad I opened my heart back up.
That is the main point of this letter. Don't let these terrible men define us incredible women. We are so much better than them and we should be thankful to be free of someone who doesn't value all that we have to offer. I used to obsess over the fabulous life these young women were having with my husband, and then I realized he's not that great and he's not smart enough to keep up his fake charade of being amazing for very long. This is a guy who managed to misspell my name multiple times on birthday/anniversary cards (not kidding)! He is destined to disappoint even the dumbest of dingbats.
This is Vikki again - I’d love to hear your reaction to all the great advice Michelle has shared. Take a minute and tell us what you think below. And, Michelle, thank you so much from all of us!
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
From Surviving to Thriving
Depending on where you are in your life, opening yourself to growth means pushing yourself to do those things you know are good for you, even if they seem hard or scary. It means starting to say, “yes, sure” instead of “no, I can’t.” And then, one day, you’ll wake up and realize that all that work you did on yourself has made you strong and resilient . . .
My husband’s leaving transformed my life. Initially, in the first year, I would have said that it was only in a bad way. I was buffeted by terrible feelings – emotional pain, hurt, bewilderment, loneliness and, eventually, anger – struggling to stay upright in the face of gale force winds. I had to grapple with an unrecognizable new reality, one in which he not only didn’t love me but somehow, seemed to hate me. I lost thirty pounds and virtually stopped eating because I was forced to swallow something I couldn’t stomach.
I had to work on myself constantly, trying to find a way to stop obsessing, controlling my voracious need to talk about “it” to anyone with a pair of ears, willing myself to stop needing repeated validation that what he did was wrong. I worked hard to accept that life is unpredictable and even if things seem to be a settled, you never really know. I struggled to stop feeling jealous of others and sorry for myself.
His leaving transformed my outer life, but the result of his leaving transformed my inner life. All the emotional work I did those first few years, through my own thought processes, through reading books like When Things Fall Apart and The Dark Night of the Soul, through therapy and talking with friends, all that emotional work changed me and that change was in a good way.
I had to struggle to get up above the churning whirling waters and envision a new and different future. I swam hard against the current of negativity and despair and that hard swimming strengthened me. I fought to love life again.
Over the years since my husband left, I’ve come to recognize what a gift he gave me. I know my circumstance is unique. As a result of his leaving, I wrote Runaway Husbands, which led to the development of the Runaway Husbands website and the privilege of connecting with thousands of amazing women all over the world. I know my work has helped many of them and that gives my life meaning.
But even if your husband’s leaving does not turn into a career path for you, I know you have a choice. Faced with an enormous life struggle, you can choose to turn bitter or be better. Embedded in this challenge is a glimmer of possibility by which you can strengthen your mind and learn, once again, to love life. And following a life and death struggle when you can love your life, in whatever form it’s in, you become different. In a good way.
I just finished reading a best-selling memoir by Samra Zafar called A Good Wife: Escaping the Life I Never Chose. The book is about how she was pushed into an arranged marriage at the age of 17, leading to years of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of her husband and his parents with whom she lived, far from her family and homeland. For many years, she was constantly blamed and criticized, isolated with no one to turn to. After many aborted attempts, she summoned all her smarts and emotional strength to escape from the marriage and the dictates of her culture, which demanded she remain and take it.
She eventually was able to break free, go to university and build a life that inspires women trapped in abusive relationships all over the world. In A Good Wife, she wrote that an interviewer once asked her who was the person most influential in her success. She thought about it and then answered that it was her husband, Ahmed. Had she never had to struggle as a result of his abuse, she would not have grown into the person she has become. She writes: I’m committed to letting my past make me better, not bitter. I strive to forgive Ahmed, his family and my parents, not because what happened was okay – it can never be okay – but because giving resentment, anger and hatred any place in my heart will only leave less space for love, joy and happiness.
Wherever you’re at in your recovery from Wife Abandonment Syndrome, I hope that you too will strive to turn this crisis into an opportunity for your growth as a person. I know that may seem confusing and vague and you may be wondering what you would need to do to work on yourself.
Depending on where you are in your life, opening yourself to growth means pushing yourself to do those things you know are good for you, even if they seem hard or scary. It may mean taking a drawing class, joining a chorus, volunteering at the animal shelter or going to a party where you don’t know many people. It may mean challenging yourself to learn to balance a checkbook or stopping yourself from projecting bitterness and acrimony.
It means starting to say, “yes, sure” instead of “no, I can’t.” And then, one day, you’ll wake up and realize that all that work you did on yourself has made you strong and resilient.
You can learn more about Samra’s book HERE and please, leave a comment below and tell us what you’ve done to turn this crisis into an opportunity for your personal growth.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Are You Looking for Closure?
Many women feel tremendous frustration due to the fact that their husbands just vanished without any proper conversation or explanation. It leaves them hanging - longing for closure . . .
Today is the first day of the Sedona Retreat 2019. Eleven women from every corner of the U.S. as well as central Canada have gathered here in breathtaking Sedona to work on healing and moving on from wife abandonment. We had our first workshop today and one topic that came up often was the wish for closure. Several women talked about the tremendous frustration they feel due to the fact that their husbands just vanished without any proper conversation or explanation. It left them hanging - longing for closure.
What is closure? After a long term relationship, closure means a husband showing respect and sensitivity to the fact that the wife did not want the marriage to end and is deeply grieved by his decision. He would do that by providing time and effort to help his wife integrate what has happened - to talk it through, try to help her understand his change of feelings, care about how she is going to adjust to her new reality.
But many men who decide to leave either have stopped caring or are deeply uncomfortable with their wife's distress and choose to distance themselves from it as quickly as humanly possible, leaving the wife without any expressions of heartfelt concern.
That leaves the wife needing to find a way to give up the wish for a sense of closure that she will never experience. It's a decision she must make, for her own mental health, to accept that she will not receive that expression of concern. She has to decide to let it go and move on nevertheless. Hoping and longing take a lot of energy. To truly care for herself, she needs to accept that for some things in life, closure is an unavailable luxury.
Along the line of letting go, I wanted to share with you a poem by Safire Rose that I like a lot.
She Let Go
She let go.
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear.
She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice.
She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word.
She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort.
There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…
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Let me know your thoughts about closure below. Are you still holding out hope? Did you get the closure you want? Tell us more!
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Take Care of Your Body, Take Care of Your Soul
I know that most of us don’t give our bodies a second thought until they start to complain. Taking care of your body is the same as taking care of your soul. It’s appreciating the wonder of human life and nurturing it. It’s something you can do no matter what shape you’re in. Just start from where you’re at.
Alrighty! This is going to get personal, with an emphasis on “person”! My other blog posts have dealt largely with your emotions, thoughts, beliefs and feelings; this one focuses on your body. Remember your body? That mass of cells you lug around with you all day? Well, now it’s time to give it a little lovin’!
No matter your size, your age, your health condition, your financial issues - your body needs you. Take care of your body, take care of your soul!
And talking about soul - how are your feet? “Hello, feet! Thank you, feet, for everything you do for me!” When was the last time you paid some attention to your feet? Scrape away those calluses. Lovingly trim those toenails. Soak your feet in a lavender foot bath. Put on foot cream every night when you get into bed. Massage those hard-working muscles and tendons (do feet have tendons?). Give those toes a kiss!
Okay, now how about that other hard-working part of your body, your spine? How to keep your spine healthy? Every time you pass through a doorway, use it as a reminder to straighten your spine. Sit up straight when you’re working at the computer. Exaggerate it. Do some gentle twists. Turn your head left and right, up and down - gently! - and release the tension at the top of your spine. Swimming, yoga, if you can, is great for your spine’s mobility.
Talking about swimming, oh! Your lungs! Take care of your lungs! Big slow breaths. Fill those babies up! Expand and breathe, especially when you’re in nature. Conscious breathing is the quickest, easiest and cheapest way to calm your body down. Don’t take it for granted!
Does your dentist know your name? When was the last time you went? C’mon, are you really flossing? Are you brushing for two minutes twice a day? Hey, are you using your night guard? My dentist suggests that I go for a check up and cleaning every six to eight months but you’ve got to go at least once a year. Your teeth have to last a lifetime. I try to take good care of my teeth - I’m very attached to them.
Eyes - get ‘em checked every two years. Wear your sunglasses in the sun.
Skin - sunscreen - I’m particularly looking at those of you who live in sunny climates. Use sunscreen on your face and arms every day when you are in the sun. I’m bad at that.
No one is hydrated enough. I know I certainly am not - it’s amazing that I’m still alive! I’m sure you need to drink more water. Get those liquids in you - just chug it down if you don’t like drinking - but make sure it’s not sugary. Unsweetened herbal tea or water, water, water. The rule of thumb is to drink half your body weight in ounces a day - so if you weigh 160 lbs, try to drink 80 ounces.
And while we are on the topic of sugar, the body is a funny thing. If you’re used to eating a lot of sugar, you feel like you can’t live without it. But when you reduce your sugar consumption, it doesn’t take long for the body to say, yeah! I don’t like things that are too sweet. The body adjusts. You’ll be surprised how your quickly your tastes will adjust once you introduce simple healthy food, like salads or roasted vegetables into your diet on a regular basis. You will really start to enjoy them!
Okay - we’ve covered feet, spine, teeth, sugar, what’s next? How about how you present yourself? Do you need a haircut? If you color your hair, how long has it been? Is it time? What about those nails - do they need a little TLC? Trimming, shaping, maybe a dab of color. Are you making an effort in how you dress? You knew I’d get there eventually! Go look in your closet - are your clothes the right size? Do you get out of those sweatpants or leggings occasionally? Have you stopped wearing makeup, tweezing those eyebrows, if you typically do?
Now, very important, your bra. Admit it, you haven’t bought a new bra since Nixon was president! Are you wearing the right size? If you go to a lingerie shop, they’ll fit you properly and you’ll know your size. Most women don’t and are wearing the wrong size.
Do you do self-breast exam? If you don’t, ask your doctor how to go about it or watch a reliable educational video. Do you have regular gyny exams? Keep yourself healthy.
Hello, my muscles! I remember you! I used to run and jump and do cartwheels a looong looong time ago. Well, don’t do cartwheels now, but you need to challenge your muscles to keep them strong or make them stronger. How do you do that? By moving. If you live in the country or a suburb, you probably drive everywhere. Time to put your sneakers on those well loved feet and start to walk.
If exercise is not your thing, you can embrace walking. Start slowly and increase the distance and speed over time. Commit yourself to walking and it will make all the difference in your muscles. You can even walk outdoors somewhere in nature and feed your soul at the same time! If walking is not open to you, think about some exercises you can do that will stress and release your muscles. What is the next level that you can take it to?
I know that most of us don’t give our bodies a second thought until they start to complain. Taking care of your body is the same as taking care of your soul. It’s appreciating the wonder of human life and nurturing it. It’s something you can do no matter what shape you’re in. Just start from where you’re at. Even small changes make a huge difference. The more you are in touch with what is going on inside your body, the easier it will be for you to manage anxiety and depression. Unite your mind and body and watch yourself glow!
I’d love to hear what you do to take care of yourself. Leave a comment below!
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Wedding Band Blues: What To Do with Your Wedding Ring When the Marriage is Over
What is the meaning of a wedding ring? As a universal symbol, those few ounces of fine metal and precious stone are supercharged with significance. You received it at a pivotal moment, the heart of your relationship, when you were filled with love, excitement and anticipation. And every day after that, every moment if you wore your ring constantly, it signalled your position as a wife and as someone who is loved . . .
What is the meaning of a wedding ring? As a universal symbol, those few ounces of fine metal and precious stone are supercharged with significance. You received it at a pivotal moment, the heart of your relationship, when you were filled with love, excitement and anticipation. And every day after that, every moment if you wore your ring constantly, it signalled your position as a wife and as someone who is loved. Your ring proclaimed a primary fact of your identity – you’re married.
For some women, a wedding band has a sacred significance. It represents the promise spoken at the marriage ceremony – to love, honor, respect, protect - forever. It represents a covenant. The ring absorbs that meaning and continuously radiates it.
For others, the ring’s loveliness expresses the beauty of the love that surrounds it. The fact that it is a pleasure to the eye fills your heart with joy. The ring itself is great to own. You’re proud of it. It makes you happy.
Yet to still others, its primary significance is the message it transmits to the world. You’ve accomplished one of life’s valued milestones – you are part of something bigger – a family. When you meet someone new, they glance at your left hand and instantly know that you’re married. Your ring says it – you’re not alone.
With everything women go through at the end of a marriage, particularly if the separation was not their choice, the decision about what to do about the ring is often a struggle. I wanted to know more about how different women dealt with it so I sent a survey out to the Runaway Husbands community and boy, did I get a response! It’s an important issue and women wanted to tell their story.
The four hundred women who responded to the survey had been left anywhere from less than six months to more than five years, with the majority having been left between two and five years ago. Ninety two percent had removed their wedding ring but not all of the slim slice of eight percent who were still wearing theirs were from marriages that ended recently – some were five years out or more, as well.
Most women remove their ring when it becomes clear that the marriage is over regardless of their legal status but some women choose to continue wearing their ring until the actual legal divorce has been completed. Here’s an example taken from responses to the survey:
I consider myself married until I'm divorced (I'm a practicing Catholic). At the same time, I will likely remove my ring (I've never taken it off in forty-two years, so it doesn't come off readily!) once I'm legally separated.
And here is an example of someone who feels the sacred commitment that wearing the ring represents:
I wear my rings because I am married in the eyes of God and the law. I wanted the rings to be a public and personal symbol of the covenant between my husband and me. I don’t know at what point I will take them off.
And another with an extra twist:
I wore it until the divorce was finalized. I wore it to prove a point in that I believe in marriage, didn’t want the divorce and I knew it probably made him and his whore angry.
Most women removed the ring and stuck it away in a jewelry box because the end of the marriage drained it of meaning. Within the Runaway Husbands community, husbands often burn their bridges as they leave the marriage, telling their wives that they never really loved them and that the marriage was a sham. The decision to remove the ring signifies an acceptance that the relationship is really over.
I removed it because it symbolized something beautiful and unbreakable. It meant I was loved, protected, honored, respected, and cared for. My husband did not have any of those feelings for me and by wearing it, I felt like I would be disrespecting the ring’s meaning.
We had "forever and always" engraved on our rings and I wore that ring for 36 years believing in what it said. My husband decided, alone, in what seemed like a moment, that it was not going to be forever. That ring no longer represents a love and respect that lasts forever and always so I took it off. It is back in the box it came in.
And some women took action, using the ring to make a point:
- After I realized he was gone for good, I threw it in the trash.
- I removed it and threw it at my ex-husband for breaking our wedding vows.
- I threw it into a canal not far from my home. It actually felt good to do this.
Some women solved the dilemma of how to keep the beautiful ring they loved when it hurt to look at it by transforming it into something else, in a sense, talking ownership of it. Several women talked about having the ring redesigned:
I reset my engagement ring diamonds and 10th anniversary band diamonds into a fabulous ring that I still wear. Why should all those diamonds sit in the safety deposit box? I’m worth a fabulous ring.
I had the gold melted down and turned it into a ring with a cross and my diamond was put in the middle. I added amethyst stones around the diamond and inside the ring, I had the jeweller engrave the saying “With God, all things are possible” to remind myself that I am not alone, that God is walking right beside me. I wear the ring on my wedding finger so my next biggest hurdle is moving it to the other hand.
Quite a number of women talked about saving the ring for their daughters later on or giving it to a son who was expecting a baby so he could give it to his girlfriend.
I removed my ring because I wanted to cut off my tie to a husband that basically left me with no emotional or financial help or remorse. Who wants to wear a symbol tied to someone that basically is selfish and only thought of himself? I ended up giving my ring (beautiful band of diamonds) to my precious daughter-in-law. My ring looks wonderful on her! Out of sight, out of mind!
Several women talked about the stigma of being single or divorced and how they felt ashamed to not be wearing a ring:
The ring meant a lot to me. I removed it right away but hid my empty left hand from the public as much as possible. It embarrassed me to be unwanted.
I wore it for a while mostly because of the stigma of not having it on (I was pregnant when he left). Then I took it off because it felt like a lie.
I removed it immediately. Why would I want to wear a symbol of a relationship that no longer existed? It was hard, and for a long time I felt like everyone was looking at my naked finger and judging me as someone who was divorced or never married, i.e., a failure.
Finally, a lot of women talked about selling or pawning the ring and putting the money to some good use:
- I sold it to buy Christmas gifts for my children.
- I sold it and used the money to take a girls' trip to Europe!
- After a few years, I gave it to the Bridge, a resale shop for battered women.
- I had to pawn it to retain an attorney.
- I sold them for cash and used it to renovate my bathroom.
- I sold it and put the money towards a down payment on a new house.
- I sold the ring for food and housing for the family when a month was really bad.
- Sold it this summer and bought a ticket for Hamilton. Worth every penny!
The last word goes to a woman with a message we all need to heed:
- I sold it and with the money, a friend who is a goldsmith made me a new ring. With this ring, I made a vow: always love and be true to myself.
Tell us your wedding ring story below!
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Don't Blame Yourself if You Didn't See it Coming
When something happens that doesn’t fit the pattern, we don’t let it penetrate. That new odd piece of information just skitters off our brains and we reject it. It takes time for us to be able to let it in, particularly when doing so threatens our sense of security . . .
I’m at the Sedona Retreat and in our workshop yesterday some women were saying that they feel badly that they didn’t see the signs that their husband was thinking of leaving. When they look back, they can recognize the ways in which he was acting differently. He may have been disappearing for periods of time, left a clue in the form of a receipt for lingerie or mentioning some woman at work too often. He may have been avoiding closeness or even being just plain irritable.
In Runaway Husbands, I talk about the hair in the bathtub. When I returned from being on the road for my 23 day book tour, I took a shower and noticed a long dark hair in the bathtub. Now what is a more clear sign that another woman has taken a shower in my bathroom than a hair in the bathtub?!? But it didn’t register. Why?
Because my relationship with my husband was one of blanket trust. It was inconceivable to me that he was having an affair (let alone in my bed). It was completely beyond any expectation that I could have had of his behavior while I was away.
We humans depend on the fact that things continue in the same pattern that we expect. The sun always rises in the east and if, one morning, it seems to be rising in the west, we would assume that we’re reading it wrong. Our expectation that the sun will rise in the east is so powerful that information to the contrary is close to impossible to integrate into our thinking.
When something happens that doesn’t fit the pattern, we don’t let it penetrate. That new odd piece of information just skitters off our brains and we reject it. It takes time for us to be able to let it in, particularly when doing so threatens our sense of security.
We have a primitive need to always protect our sense of security. So if you blame yourself for not seeing it coming, don’t. You were only being human.
Do you blame yourself for not having seen the signs? Share your thoughts below.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Hi! I’m Vikki and I'll be your guide in your recovery process from Wife Abandonment Syndrome. I’m a therapist but also an abandoned wife like yourself and I know what it feels like. I want to help you not only bounce back, but to discover a new you in the process.
