In last night’s Hearts & Minds group, we were talking about the feeling of being alone. Apart from all the hurt, outrage, sense of betrayal, bewilderment and sadness that comes with Wife Abandonment, perhaps the most difficult feeling of all is the loss of that “go-to” person with whom you share all the little details of your life.
Whether your relationship with your husband was glorious or mundane, he probably was the person who knew what was going on in your life better than anyone else. He was there when things happened to you and you naturally turned to him to talk it through. There’s a comfort in being able to tell your ongoing narrative to someone who has a stake in your happiness. The loss of that hits hard.
There are so many examples of when you might feel it. You take a walk and are delighted to run into your old college roommate, Sue, who just moved into the neighborhood. Typically, you’d come home and say to your husband, “Guess who I met on my walk?” but now, you have no one with whom to share it.
One high point in my life was when I was a guest on the Today Show. It was a big thing for me and I was high when I walked off the set after my interview. I so very much wanted to call my husband and say, “I did it!” and share the moment, but he’d already left. Of course, I could call a friend or my kids, but you know - it’s not the same.
So last night, at the group, we worked on what to do when you feel that need to talk to someone. Some said that, yes, they have friends or family they could call, but after a while, they worry about compassion fatigue. Our suffering goes on for months at the least and only very noble friends or family can take the ongoing working through that you need to do.
Of course, time does heal, but in the meantime, we came up with some suggestions that are within your power to do to try to help yourself. We talked about doing art as a way of expressing what you are feeling. You don’t need to be an artist to get a drawing pad and markers and just put down your feelings in line and color. It may feel awkward at first but you will get more comfortable if you keep at it.
Another woman suggested going for a run or doing exercise as a way of expressing yourself and getting your feelings out. And, of course, we love the idea of connecting with nature in some way.
Another suggestion, which has been proved to be very therapeutic, is to keep a journal and write it all down. When you got back from your walk, you can write down that you met Sue from college and she moved into the neighborhood. When I returned to my room after the Today Show, I could have written all the feelings about what it was like.
It’s a letter to yourself and although it doesn’t make all the hurt go away, it trains you to do something positive when you’re feeling the pain. You can become your own “go-to” person - someone who is always on your side, cheering you on!
These simple suggestions may be hard to put into place but every small step you take for your own healing makes a big difference, even if you feel it at the moment. I wish I could suggest the perfect thing that will do the trick and move you along. If I could, I would! But after a decade of helping women recover from abandonment, I know that it’s a complex process that needs the time that it needs, but I also know that making even small efforts are very important.
Share your thoughts below about what you do when you wish you had a “go-to” person in your life.
