How Not to Have a Victim Mentality Although You’ve Been Victimized
Once you have mastered the Stoic approach, rather than bemoaning things that happen to you that you may label as bad or unfortunate, you’ll learn to welcome them as an opportunity to hone your ability to create value from adversity . . .
The other day, at my divorce recovery retreat called A Course on Happiness, the women attending learned to activate their superpowers. Everyone at the online retreat had been left by their husband from what they believed to have been a secure committed marriage till the day he left out-of-the-blue, morphing dramatically into an angry stranger.
The first workshop I presented at the retreat is called The Obstacle is the Way, based on a book by Ryan Holiday. The workshop describes the philosophy of Stoicism which, in a nutshell, teaches that if you can view any setback as an opportunity to grow and develop skills, you’ll strengthen your character, making you better able to handle anything life sends your way.
Once you have mastered the Stoic approach, rather than bemoaning things that happen to you that you may label as bad or unfortunate (i.e. your husband leaving), you’ll learn to welcome them as a chance to hone your ability to create value from adversity (e.g., training your thinking to look for things you can feel gratitude about). A simple cliche to describe Stoic thought is turning lemons into lemonade.
Women who are struggling to rebuild their lives after Wife Abandonment have a lot of emotional work to do in order to regain a sense of peace and meaning in life.
They have to figure out how to stop their mind from whirring obsessively about their ex.
They have to learn to stop regretting and blaming themselves.
They have to banish the sense of shame that many feel for being single.
They have to grieve all they have lost.
They have to train their thinking in order to envision a new and different future.
Time heals to some extent but it’s what you do with the time that makes the difference. That’s where the work comes in.
After your husband leaves and when you are over the initial trauma, you essentially have two choices.
You can wrap yourself in the cloak of victimhood, explaining to everyone who comes near how unjust it is and how unfair he was, attempting to elicit sympathy, or
You can work through the perfectly normal grief (this might take time) but eventually develop a defiant attitude that says, “I’m not going to let his leaving ruin the rest of my life.”
The Stoic approach would guide you, perhaps, to practice doing things when you’re really down that you really don’t feel like doing, although you know they’re good for you, like going for a walk or cooking yourself a healthy meal. Getting yourself to do those things takes emotional work but the more you do them, the easier they become and the better you start to feel. And along the way, you develop the skill of good self-care.
In Runaway Husbands, I offer this piece of advice: “Don’t press ‘send’ when you’re still in your pajamas!” By that I mean, although you may want to send a begging, pleading email to your ex in the middle of the night, it might not look like the best idea in the cold light of day. If you can practice the skill of self-control and wait a day, you’ll probably be glad you didn’t humiliate yourself by “pressing send”.
The fact that your husband left forces you to struggle to do the thing that’s in your best interest even though it’s hard. This will strengthen your character and you will grow from it. The more you practice self-control, for example, the easier it will become and you can add it to your list of superpowers!
So, what skills do you need to apply to achieve the items on the list above?
To stop obsessing, you can use your determination to stop yourself from ruminating and instead, distract yourself. When you see that you're on that mental hamster wheel, turn on a documentary about Italy or listen to some beautiful music to help your mind rest.
To stop regretting or blaming yourself, you can read the work of Dr. Kristen Neff and learn to practice self-compassion.
To banish shame, exercise the courage to join a single women’s MeetUp group and go together with your new single friends to activities.
To grieve, permit yourself to feel the pain without fearing that it will overtake you.
To envision a new future, encourage yourself to explore new things, no matter how small, that you can incorporate into your life.
You can change your perspective to look at this huge setback as an opportunity for you to challenge yourself, turning it into multiple lessons on living. It's all about appreciating your life, no matter what form it’s in at the moment and in the end, you'll be proud of how mighty you’ve become!
So, when you encounter anything hard in life, try to look at it differently. View it as an opportunity for you to reach down and bring up your best stuff so you can face down the situation with courage, patience, self-love, determination or resilience. There will be no lack of opportunities in life for you to rise to the challenge and put your Stoic skills in practice.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
3 Tips to Help You Get Through Thanksgiving Without Too Many Tears
This year, the holidays are going to be a doozie. You not only have to deal with the pain of remembering happy Thanksgivings past when you celebrated with your husband and the family but you also may have to be planning a quiet meal with just the few people allowed in your bubble . . .
This year, the holidays are going to be a doozie. You not only have to deal with the pain of remembering happy Thanksgivings past when you celebrated with your husband and the family but you also may have to be planning a quiet meal with just the few people allowed in your bubble. No setting a big colorful table for twelve decorated with a paper fan of a turkey as the centerpiece this year!
Add to that the reality that your husband may be off celebrating with someone else - a real slap in the face on a holiday. You probably can’t corral your mind to stop thinking about him slicing turkey in some other woman’s kitchen, imagining that they’re having a jolly good time while you’re home, maybe alone, with the cat.
And, to add insult to injury, for some reason, the holidays are the time of the year when most runaway husbands fly the coop, so you may also be suffering from anniversary syndrome - the sadness that returns at the time each year when you’ve suffered a significant loss.
What a mess! Believe me, I know how much it hurts. But we’re all in this together so we have to come up with a plan to get you through the day without too many tears. What to do?
Here are three tips to help you cope with the challenge of Thanksgiving when your husband has left:
Don’t let yourself wallow. No matter how grim you may feel, do something a little bit special with the day. It may be a real effort to call a friend and take a walk or to bake yourself your favorite pecan pie, but just do it, even if it’s minimalist. The effort you put into any act of self-care will have surprisingly expansive results, helping to lift your spirit (even a bit). And you’ll feel proud of yourself.
Do something for someone else. Again, it doesn’t have to be big. But that phone call to offer holiday wishes to your elderly uncle or the book you’ve read and enjoyed that you drop off at your neighbor’s will take you out of your own suffering and expand your heart. It will do you good.
Remember what Thanksgiving is all about. It celebrates the first harvest after an awfully hard year for the Pilgrims - a time to appreciate what you’ve got. It’s normal to be focused on what you may have lost, but for a short time on the holiday, turn your mind to all the blessings that you have. You’ll realize that there is still so much left.
I’m thinking of you and sending a big hug. You’re not alone! Inspire us below in the comments by telling what you’re planning to do for the holidays to make yourself feel better.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
What To Do When You've Lost Your "Go-To" Person
Apart from all the hurt, outrage, sense of betrayal, bewilderment and sadness that comes with Wife Abandonment, perhaps the most difficult feeling of all is the loss of that “go-to” person with whom you share all the little details of your life . . .
In last night’s Hearts & Minds group, we were talking about the feeling of being alone. Apart from all the hurt, outrage, sense of betrayal, bewilderment and sadness that comes with Wife Abandonment, perhaps the most difficult feeling of all is the loss of that “go-to” person with whom you share all the little details of your life.
Whether your relationship with your husband was glorious or mundane, he probably was the person who knew what was going on in your life better than anyone else. He was there when things happened to you and you naturally turned to him to talk it through. There’s a comfort in being able to tell your ongoing narrative to someone who has a stake in your happiness. The loss of that hits hard.
There are so many examples of when you might feel it. You take a walk and are delighted to run into your old college roommate, Sue, who just moved into the neighborhood. Typically, you’d come home and say to your husband, “Guess who I met on my walk?” but now, you have no one with whom to share it.
One high point in my life was when I was a guest on the Today Show. It was a big thing for me and I was high when I walked off the set after my interview. I so very much wanted to call my husband and say, “I did it!” and share the moment, but he’d already left. Of course, I could call a friend or my kids, but you know - it’s not the same.
So last night, at the group, we worked on what to do when you feel that need to talk to someone. Some said that, yes, they have friends or family they could call, but after a while, they worry about compassion fatigue. Our suffering goes on for months at the least and only very noble friends or family can take the ongoing working through that you need to do.
Of course, time does heal, but in the meantime, we came up with some suggestions that are within your power to do to try to help yourself. We talked about doing art as a way of expressing what you are feeling. You don’t need to be an artist to get a drawing pad and markers and just put down your feelings in line and color. It may feel awkward at first but you will get more comfortable if you keep at it.
Another woman suggested going for a run or doing exercise as a way of expressing yourself and getting your feelings out. And, of course, we love the idea of connecting with nature in some way.
Another suggestion, which has been proved to be very therapeutic, is to keep a journal and write it all down. When you got back from your walk, you can write down that you met Sue from college and she moved into the neighborhood. When I returned to my room after the Today Show, I could have written all the feelings about what it was like.
It’s a letter to yourself and although it doesn’t make all the hurt go away, it trains you to do something positive when you’re feeling the pain. You can become your own “go-to” person - someone who is always on your side, cheering you on!
These simple suggestions may be hard to put into place but every small step you take for your own healing makes a big difference, even if you feel it at the moment. I wish I could suggest the perfect thing that will do the trick and move you along. If I could, I would! But after a decade of helping women recover from abandonment, I know that it’s a complex process that needs the time that it needs, but I also know that making even small efforts are very important.
Share your thoughts below about what you do when you wish you had a “go-to” person in your life.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Natural Healing
Forest Bathing, in Japanese, Shinrin Yoku, is a therapeutic practice that was developed in Japan and is now being taught around the world. It’s not just a walk in the woods. It’s about going out in nature and really connecting . . .
The heart of Montreal is the mountain. It’s not really a mountain, it’s more like a hill, but it’s the center point of the soul of the city. The mountain is really a park, designed in the 1880s by Frederick Law Olmsted, the same architect who designed New York’s Central Park. There is a wide paved path that circles around the mountain, as well as rustic trails that may trick you into thinking you’re out in the woods. On a beautiful weekend day, you might run into two or three friends on the path as the whole city is drawn to the vibrancy and tranquility of Mont Royal park.
The year my husband left, I turned to the mountain for solace. The weekends were long and quiet and I developed a practice of walking on the mountain every Sunday morning. My heart was aching but being in nature was a balm and I always felt better after my walk. Even though it was winter, he left in November and remember, this is Canada, I would dress up warmly and take to the path. It helped.
This past fall, I turned to nature again to connect with tranquility. I was able to hike in the woods (the real woods) every weekend for six weeks in a row. At some point on each trail, I would stop and stand still for a while, listening to all the sounds, watching all the life around me, breathing deeply and feeling like the breath was healing. This practice of arriving in a place of stillness in the woods would nurture me all week long.
I didn’t know that what I was doing had a name. It’s called Forest Bathing - in Japanese, Shinrin Yoku. It’s a therapeutic practice that was developed in Japan and is now being taught around the world. It’s not just a walk in the woods. It’s about going out in nature and really connecting - moving slowly with no destination and taking it all in. You can learn about it here: Forest Bathing.
Let me suggest that you try it. If you can’t get to the actual woods, find the most rustic park in your town and let the trees heal you. The trees, grasses, birds, water are all alive - see if you can feel part of it; if you can connect, even a little bit. It’s a practice so the more you do it, the easier it gets to relax into the arms of nature. And it will put your soul to rest.
Please share your thoughts and experiences below. We love to hear how nature has healed you.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
From Surviving to Thriving
Depending on where you are in your life, opening yourself to growth means pushing yourself to do those things you know are good for you, even if they seem hard or scary. It means starting to say, “yes, sure” instead of “no, I can’t.” And then, one day, you’ll wake up and realize that all that work you did on yourself has made you strong and resilient . . .
My husband’s leaving transformed my life. Initially, in the first year, I would have said that it was only in a bad way. I was buffeted by terrible feelings – emotional pain, hurt, bewilderment, loneliness and, eventually, anger – struggling to stay upright in the face of gale force winds. I had to grapple with an unrecognizable new reality, one in which he not only didn’t love me but somehow, seemed to hate me. I lost thirty pounds and virtually stopped eating because I was forced to swallow something I couldn’t stomach.
I had to work on myself constantly, trying to find a way to stop obsessing, controlling my voracious need to talk about “it” to anyone with a pair of ears, willing myself to stop needing repeated validation that what he did was wrong. I worked hard to accept that life is unpredictable and even if things seem to be a settled, you never really know. I struggled to stop feeling jealous of others and sorry for myself.
His leaving transformed my outer life, but the result of his leaving transformed my inner life. All the emotional work I did those first few years, through my own thought processes, through reading books like When Things Fall Apart and The Dark Night of the Soul, through therapy and talking with friends, all that emotional work changed me and that change was in a good way.
I had to struggle to get up above the churning whirling waters and envision a new and different future. I swam hard against the current of negativity and despair and that hard swimming strengthened me. I fought to love life again.
Over the years since my husband left, I’ve come to recognize what a gift he gave me. I know my circumstance is unique. As a result of his leaving, I wrote Runaway Husbands, which led to the development of the Runaway Husbands website and the privilege of connecting with thousands of amazing women all over the world. I know my work has helped many of them and that gives my life meaning.
But even if your husband’s leaving does not turn into a career path for you, I know you have a choice. Faced with an enormous life struggle, you can choose to turn bitter or be better. Embedded in this challenge is a glimmer of possibility by which you can strengthen your mind and learn, once again, to love life. And following a life and death struggle when you can love your life, in whatever form it’s in, you become different. In a good way.
I just finished reading a best-selling memoir by Samra Zafar called A Good Wife: Escaping the Life I Never Chose. The book is about how she was pushed into an arranged marriage at the age of 17, leading to years of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of her husband and his parents with whom she lived, far from her family and homeland. For many years, she was constantly blamed and criticized, isolated with no one to turn to. After many aborted attempts, she summoned all her smarts and emotional strength to escape from the marriage and the dictates of her culture, which demanded she remain and take it.
She eventually was able to break free, go to university and build a life that inspires women trapped in abusive relationships all over the world. In A Good Wife, she wrote that an interviewer once asked her who was the person most influential in her success. She thought about it and then answered that it was her husband, Ahmed. Had she never had to struggle as a result of his abuse, she would not have grown into the person she has become. She writes: I’m committed to letting my past make me better, not bitter. I strive to forgive Ahmed, his family and my parents, not because what happened was okay – it can never be okay – but because giving resentment, anger and hatred any place in my heart will only leave less space for love, joy and happiness.
Wherever you’re at in your recovery from Wife Abandonment Syndrome, I hope that you too will strive to turn this crisis into an opportunity for your growth as a person. I know that may seem confusing and vague and you may be wondering what you would need to do to work on yourself.
Depending on where you are in your life, opening yourself to growth means pushing yourself to do those things you know are good for you, even if they seem hard or scary. It may mean taking a drawing class, joining a chorus, volunteering at the animal shelter or going to a party where you don’t know many people. It may mean challenging yourself to learn to balance a checkbook or stopping yourself from projecting bitterness and acrimony.
It means starting to say, “yes, sure” instead of “no, I can’t.” And then, one day, you’ll wake up and realize that all that work you did on yourself has made you strong and resilient.
You can learn more about Samra’s book HERE and please, leave a comment below and tell us what you’ve done to turn this crisis into an opportunity for your personal growth.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Mother, Champion, Queen, Goddess . . . but not Wife
One of the themes that wound through our talks at the Sedona Retreat this year was how many of the women felt ashamed. It was taken for granted that it was more valuable to be married or in a relationship than to be divorced.
Often, when I’m leading a divorce recovery retreat in Sedona, Mexico or Montreal, the participants ask what they should say if a group of us walks into a restaurant and someone asks what our group is about. Over the years, we’ve jokingly decided to say different things – we’re a group of women CEOs or an international quilting club.
We’ve called ourselves circus performers or said that it was a high school reunion (in spite of the fact that our ages ranged from 32 to 70!) One year, we said were a women’s barbershop chorus but then someone asked us to sing – whoops!
But one thing we’ve never said, at least not till this year, is that we’re a divorce recovery retreat. We didn’t want people to know. Why? We were ashamed.
One of the themes that wound through our talks at the Sedona Retreat this year was how many of the women felt ashamed. It was taken for granted that it was more valuable to be married or in a relationship than to be a divorced woman. To be participating in a divorce recovery group, by definition, means that someone rejected them. It means that they are struggling to recover and are not the victor in the equation. It means that they are the vanquished.
We talked about this. We talked about how pervasive the view in society is that if you don’t have a ring on your finger or a partner in your bed, you’ve failed. So many women grow up expecting to be married – it’s the stuff of girlhood fantasy, particularly for those in their 50’s and above. It’s the goal, the expectation – it defines what it means to be an adult woman. It means that you’re valuable, wanted, desirable.
So then we talked about how to start to tinker with the erroneous belief that divorced women are “less than” and for the women to start see themselves as valuable. We called out the names of women we admire who got their fame through what they accomplished and not through husbands or partners: Rosa Parks, Oprah, Amelia Earhart, Beyoncé, Madonna, Mme. Curie, Mother Teresa, Ellen, Lady Gaga, Malala Yousafzai. We talked about what Serena Williams had printed on her shirt at the French Open this year: “Mother, Champion, Queen, Goddess.” You notice, the word “Wife” was nowhere to be found!
We opened up a discussion of how to shift our feelings about ourselves – to love ourselves and stop being ashamed – an emotion that comes so easily to women. Thinking it through and integrating that being single is nothing to be ashamed of is a challenge but it’s where we need to go.
So the next time all twelve of us went into a restaurant and someone asked us what our group was about, we proudly said: “We’re on a divorce recovery retreat!” We thought of Serena and owned it. Champions!
Share your thoughts below about the feeling of shame of being divorce and how you are going to overcome it. And if you are interested in attending a divorce recovery retreat, check out the Jump Up! happening in Montreal this September.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Better, Not Bitter: How being abandoned changes you
The trick is to allow yourself to feel the injustice and anger - to feel the bitterness - but to pass through it eventually and develop that zen acceptance at what life has sent your way. So that, in time, you’ll heal and end up better, not bitter . . .
We had a great session of the Hearts & Minds Recovery Group (an online therapy group) and the conversation shifted to a discussion of how what happened to us has changed us. Penny and Lilly were talking about how they packed up all their husband’s belongings so carefully and thoroughly and then Marianne questioned why we all had to be such good girls in our marriages even as it was dissolving. Lilly said that all the sacrifices make sense if the marriage is ongoing but once it falls apart, they lose their meaning.
Marianne talked about zen acceptance - should we just move on with what life offers us, but Suzanne said that she’s bewildered and anxious. She worked her whole life to get to this stage where she’s retired and has put aside a certain amount of money, and now, she has to split it in half and is looking at the prospect of perhaps needing a mortgage again. It’s just not fair!
I struggled with the conversation because I felt that, of course, everyone needs to air their anger and frustration, but I worry that sometimes women get stuck in bitterness and never again feel happy and free, even in spite of what has happened.
Cherie responded that bitterness is a stage that you have to go through, like the grief and anger. She resents it when people say “Get over it” when they haven’t been through it and don’t know what it’s like. Then she said that we are all going to be changed but who is the person who comes out the other side?
Suzanne shared how she’s changed. She said that she used to be a cardboard cut-out who shut down when anything got too emotional. She was agreeable and avoided conflict and was uncomfortable asking for what she wanted. Since her husband left, she’s been in therapy and is learning to express herself and feel things. It’s a new world for her and she’s happy about the change.
So I suppose the trick is to allow yourself to feel the injustice and anger - to feel the bitterness - but to pass through it eventually and develop that zen acceptance at what life has sent your way. So that, in time, you will heal and end up better, not bitter.
Join in the conversation below and tell us what you think!
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Finding Your Feet - Moving Towards Recovery One Step at a Time
Wherever you are in your recovery, you need to push yourself past your comfort zone. If it’s early in the process, that may just mean getting out of bed . . . each of those little steps is essential to your recovery . . .
I watched a movie last night called Finding Your Feet. It’s a story about an upper class British woman, Sandra, who discovers at her husband’s retirement party that he’s been having a five year affair with her friend. Devastated, she leaves to go stay with her sister, Bif, with whom she’s been estranged for ten years. The husband quickly moves in with his affair partner.
The movie is about Sandra’s transformation. When she arrives at Bif’s messy working class flat, she’s emotionally shut down, crying and depressed. Bif, a free spirit, pushes her to come to her community dance class which Sandra very reluctantly does. After a few times at the class, she can’t help herself and she starts to be swept along by the fun of dancing and being in the group.
She meets a guy there who she initially can’t stand but eventually comes to love. She changes from being an up-tight repressed lady (literally - she’s Lady Sandra) into an alive fun-loving woman. She remembers that she used to love to dance. She finds her feet!
Okay - cliché. Why am I telling you this? Because the message is essential to you - that life begins at the end of your comfort zone. When Sandra’s husband first left, she couldn’t imagine that she could refashion a life for herself with the help of her kooky older sister. But the turning point came when she agreed to go to the first dance class.
She was miserable at that first class and didn’t want to participate. She struggled with herself and couldn’t raise her arms or move her feet and throw herself into the flow of the class. But just by going, miserable and all, she triumphed. She didn’t know it at the time but it was the first step toward her recovery.
A month after my husband left, some friends invited me to their annual Christmas party. I dragged myself there and, sitting among all the couples in a room that I’d been in with my husband the previous year, I was wretched. I left after twenty minutes. I thought it was a failure, but it was really an important step. I'd pushed myself to do something and the next time, it would be easier.
Wherever you are in your recovery, you need to push yourself past your comfort zone. If it’s early in the process, that may just mean getting out of bed, taking a shower, getting dressed and forcing some food down your throat. Later on, it may mean going to your friend’s birthday party or taking a class by yourself. And if you want to, even later on, it may mean taking a leap of faith and dating again.
Each of those little steps is essential to your recovery. You won’t be able to see it now but you need to push past your impulse to retreat, even in small ways and even if it doesn’t feel good. It’s a struggle, it’s a journey and I know you can get there. So stop and think right now of something that you know would be good for you that feels too hard and make up your mind to do it. Like Sandra, you can find your feet again!
Add your comments below. Tell us what that hard thing is, big or small, and how you plan to accomplish it.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
The Other Woman
Women in our Runaway Husbands community deal with the Other Woman in a variety of ways. Some see her as an evil temptress who preyed on a vulnerable man. Others see her as a bit player in the drama – it if hadn’t been this particular woman, it would’ve been someone else . . .
Almost all of us who have experienced Wife Abandonment Syndrome have to come to terms with the fact that there was another woman involved. Unlike the variety of sexual encounters that some men have with other women (on-line in chat rooms, one night stands on business trips, massages with “happy endings”, strip clubs and paid sex, to name a few), most men who run away do so because they are involved with a real flesh and blood woman. They are often having an affair in the classical sense, one that involves secrecy and sex, but also emotional involvement.
Women in our Runaway Husbands community deal with this female intruder in a variety of ways. Some see her as an evil temptress who preyed on a vulnerable man who would never have strayed were he not lured into it. Others see her as a bit player in the drama – it if hadn’t been this particular woman, it would’ve been someone else.
Who the other woman actually is varies from case to case, but the typical one is someone he met at work or knew from high school or is his person trainer – someone you don’t actually know (that was my case). In the atypical and truly awful case, she’s a friend (either yours or a friend of the family) or your daughter’s babysitter or swim coach.
During those months just after your marriage ended when you’re out of your mind, you may become obsessed with her. She’s a huge threat (why did he choose her over you?) and you desperately need to understand her allure. You hate her and blame her and probably want to hurt her somehow. If she’s married, you may be tempted to or actually do contact her husband to screw up her life like yours has been.
Here’s a quote from an abandoned wife on this topic: “I used to spend countless hours wondering how the OW, knowing we had a large loving family, could help push the relationship. I realize now that she didn't think anything. They are so caught up in each other that it justifies their behavior. And who knows what the former husbands have told her. He can tell her anything. She probably thinks she is rescuing him.”
In the early days, you will want to pump your husband for details, needing to know how it happened, where and when they met and how often they saw each other. And then, you probably want to know more – does he love her, what did they do sexually, what are his plans with her (sub-text, will she replace you in his life?) But it’s a double-edged sword because each piece of information pierces your heart and then gets lodged in your brain. The more you know, the worse you feel. Knowing details hurts you more and makes you feel even more betrayed.
You probably can’t help yourself and refer to her as whore or bitch, even if you’re not typically the type of women who talks like that. It helps a tiny bit to lessen the pain. One shocking moment I experienced in the every early days was when I referred to my husband’s girlfriend as a whore and he said, “Don’t talk about her like that. I love her.” OUF! That was rough. I realized the hard way that he was more allied with her than he was with me.
Some wives actually meet with the other woman and regret it. One told me “She just gave me boat loads of more crap to be distressed about.”
A typical question people ask me even now, eleven years after my husband left, is “Are they still together” and frankly, I don’t know. I’m very self disciplined and won’t allow myself to ask the friends we have in common – I don’t want to put them in an uncomfortable position. And as much as I might be interested, I don’t really care. I wrestled the other woman to the ground in my mind early on so she dropped off as an integral part of my drama. This was between my husband and me – she was unimportant.
So what advice do I have for you about the other woman?
1) Hang on to your dignity and stop using dirty words to refer to her. It feels good for the moment but brings you down in some psychic way (if even to yourself).
2) Stop asking about the details of the affair. He may be tempted to tell you!
3) Recognize that most runaway husbands have told the other woman that the marriage is virtually over and his wife knows it. He lies to you and he lies to her too.
4) Self discipline – as soon as you can manage it, stop checking her Facebook page, stop asking everyone about her, stop stalking her. It makes you look bad and feel badly.
5) Don’t try to meet with the other woman. There’s nothing good that will come of it.
6) Turn down the volume on her importance in your life. Unless she was a friend, this is really about you and him.
7) And be kind to yourself! As a matter of fact, give yourself a hug right now!
I know you have your own story about the role of the Other Woman in your life. Add your comments below!
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
The single most important ingredient in your healing process
There is a turning point in recovery from Wife Abandonment Syndrome that is for some women blatantly obvious and for others, practically invisible. It’s that moment at which it really sinks in that your husband is not coming back and...
There is a turning point in recovery from Wife Abandonment Syndrome that is for some women blatantly obvious and for others, practically invisible. It’s that moment at which it really sinks in that your husband is not coming back and is the most important and often the hardest step to take in accepting that it's really over.
Abandoned wives do a lot of magical thinking along the lines of:
- "Maybe he’ll change his mind and come back when he realizes how miserable I am."
- “Maybe it’s a brain tumor and when it gets diagnosed and he has the surgery, he’ll be back to his old self.”
- “Maybe it’s just a mid-life crisis and when he works it through, he’ll wake up and realize what he’s doing.”
- “Maybe the girlfriend will dump him and he’ll come running home - hmmm, will I take him back?”
Sound familiar? I bit you’ve thought of one of them . . . at least! But hanging on to that hope when he has given you no evidence to the contrary keeps you trapped. You keep thinking about him when, I promise you, he’s not thinking about you.
You need to get to the point at which you can accept that it's over and he's not coming back. And that's huge. But only then you can truly mourn the loss and eventually turn your focus from the past to the future that you are now going to build for yourself.
You have to open your hands and release your grasp on the past. (Close your eyes and actually do it right now - make a fist and then open your hands and breathe out! Imagine all the hurt drifting away.) Only then, can you start to change your narrative from “I’ll never get over this” to “Tough as it is, I’m going to get over this” and then you’re on your way. (p. s. You don’t need to believe it. Just by saying it, you’ll make it become true.)
Have you reached that realization yet? Where are you in the process? Let me know in the comments below!
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Hi! I’m Vikki and I'll be your guide in your recovery process from Wife Abandonment Syndrome. I’m a therapist but also an abandoned wife like yourself and I know what it feels like. I want to help you not only bounce back, but to discover a new you in the process.
