We Will Muddle Through This Together with Courage and Grace
If you can stay in the present moment, do some exercise, don’t let yourself awfulize and remember that this is not going to last forever, we’ll all muddle through this. You’re going to have to be tough and not spill your worries on your children or any other vulnerable person in your life. You can do this! . . .
I’m struck by how this crazy virus crisis is the same as being hit by Wife Abandonment Syndrome. You’re going along, living your life, unsuspecting, and then something unthinkable happens out-of-the-blue. Your whole pattern of living changes in a short period of time, new revelations unfolding day after day. You keep hoping that it’s not true, that there’s been some mistake, but there’s no turning back.
You think longingly of your secure past, when the world made sense but now you’re living with an uncertain future. You don’t know if your finances will ever recover. You worry about how it’s going to affect your kids. You’re managing a sense of fear and threat all day long. The landscape of your life is unrecognizable.
Whew! Double whammy! For those of you who have newly experienced wife abandonment, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. At least, you know you’re not alone - you and everyone else on this planet are in the same boat! The coronavirus crisis most likely stirred the cauldron of emotion about your husband’s departure. You may be feeling acutely alone and worrying about who will take care of you if you get sick. It may have awoken your anger that he is with someone and has abandoned you to your fate.
Like wife abandonment, in the current crisis there’s no way around it - you have to go through it. It forces you to work on yourself, to be calm and not spiral out of control. It requires that you strengthen your mind and figure out how to tame your emotions.
You need to stay in the present moment. Most probably, if you had never heard of the coronavirus, you’d be more or less fine (okay - just dealing with the runaway husband). It’s spring and the trees are budding, the flowers are coming out here in the northern hemisphere. We worry about what will happen but if we could just stay in the here and now, it would help. We’ll deal with whatever will come when it comes. Like they say in AA - one day at a time.
This is how I’m coping. I’m quarantined and working remotely with clients so I’m pretty much home most of the time other than taking the dog for a walk. So I start the day early with a half hour meditation and that’s very important. It’s a mini-vacation for my mind.
During that half hour, I try to keep my focus on the meditation and as my mind wanders away like a frisky puppy, I summon it back. Some days it’s easier than others but I always feel better after meditating. And, by the way, there are sometimes other women from our Community meditating at the same time using Insight Timer (the link is on the Runaway Husbands website) and I love that! If you want to join, you don’t need to commit to a half hour. Start with ten minutes and slowly work up over a few weeks. Just do it every day. It will do you good.
Another thing I’m doing is some form of exercise - usually yoga. I tune into a YouTube channel called Yoga with Adriene. She’s a sweetheart yoga teacher who lives in Austin, Texas and has dozens of classes of all different levels and durations. It’s very low tech and you know she’s a good person. Her dog, Benji, is often just lying around near her yoga mat. So there’s another hour when I’m not thinking about the coronavirus.
I’m cooking good food and walking in the sun and I’m more in touch (remotely) with family and friends than I typically have time for. And, of course, I’m lucky because I’m very busy with work.
If you can stay in the present moment, do some exercise, don’t let yourself awfulize and remember that this is not going to last forever, we will all muddle through this. You’re going to have to be tough and not spill your worries on your children and any other vulnerable person in your life. You can do this!
It’s always important to strengthen your health, don’t eat or drink too much and quit smoking, if you smoke. And at some point in the future, you’ll say, “Remember that crazy time in 2020 when the world was reeling from the coronavirus? Wow! That was intense.” And life will go on.
Just know that I’m thinking about you. If you’re on our Runaway Husbands Community Facebook page, tune in to my Facebook live Q&A (7:30pm eastern on Wednesdays), when I answer questions and just connect with you. We’re a community and now, more than ever, we need to support each other with loving kindness.
Stay well and share your thoughts below.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Take Care of Your Body, Take Care of Your Soul
I know that most of us don’t give our bodies a second thought until they start to complain. Taking care of your body is the same as taking care of your soul. It’s appreciating the wonder of human life and nurturing it. It’s something you can do no matter what shape you’re in. Just start from where you’re at.
Alrighty! This is going to get personal, with an emphasis on “person”! My other blog posts have dealt largely with your emotions, thoughts, beliefs and feelings; this one focuses on your body. Remember your body? That mass of cells you lug around with you all day? Well, now it’s time to give it a little lovin’!
No matter your size, your age, your health condition, your financial issues - your body needs you. Take care of your body, take care of your soul!
And talking about soul - how are your feet? “Hello, feet! Thank you, feet, for everything you do for me!” When was the last time you paid some attention to your feet? Scrape away those calluses. Lovingly trim those toenails. Soak your feet in a lavender foot bath. Put on foot cream every night when you get into bed. Massage those hard-working muscles and tendons (do feet have tendons?). Give those toes a kiss!
Okay, now how about that other hard-working part of your body, your spine? How to keep your spine healthy? Every time you pass through a doorway, use it as a reminder to straighten your spine. Sit up straight when you’re working at the computer. Exaggerate it. Do some gentle twists. Turn your head left and right, up and down - gently! - and release the tension at the top of your spine. Swimming, yoga, if you can, is great for your spine’s mobility.
Talking about swimming, oh! Your lungs! Take care of your lungs! Big slow breaths. Fill those babies up! Expand and breathe, especially when you’re in nature. Conscious breathing is the quickest, easiest and cheapest way to calm your body down. Don’t take it for granted!
Does your dentist know your name? When was the last time you went? C’mon, are you really flossing? Are you brushing for two minutes twice a day? Hey, are you using your night guard? My dentist suggests that I go for a check up and cleaning every six to eight months but you’ve got to go at least once a year. Your teeth have to last a lifetime. I try to take good care of my teeth - I’m very attached to them.
Eyes - get ‘em checked every two years. Wear your sunglasses in the sun.
Skin - sunscreen - I’m particularly looking at those of you who live in sunny climates. Use sunscreen on your face and arms every day when you are in the sun. I’m bad at that.
No one is hydrated enough. I know I certainly am not - it’s amazing that I’m still alive! I’m sure you need to drink more water. Get those liquids in you - just chug it down if you don’t like drinking - but make sure it’s not sugary. Unsweetened herbal tea or water, water, water. The rule of thumb is to drink half your body weight in ounces a day - so if you weigh 160 lbs, try to drink 80 ounces.
And while we are on the topic of sugar, the body is a funny thing. If you’re used to eating a lot of sugar, you feel like you can’t live without it. But when you reduce your sugar consumption, it doesn’t take long for the body to say, yeah! I don’t like things that are too sweet. The body adjusts. You’ll be surprised how your quickly your tastes will adjust once you introduce simple healthy food, like salads or roasted vegetables into your diet on a regular basis. You will really start to enjoy them!
Okay - we’ve covered feet, spine, teeth, sugar, what’s next? How about how you present yourself? Do you need a haircut? If you color your hair, how long has it been? Is it time? What about those nails - do they need a little TLC? Trimming, shaping, maybe a dab of color. Are you making an effort in how you dress? You knew I’d get there eventually! Go look in your closet - are your clothes the right size? Do you get out of those sweatpants or leggings occasionally? Have you stopped wearing makeup, tweezing those eyebrows, if you typically do?
Now, very important, your bra. Admit it, you haven’t bought a new bra since Nixon was president! Are you wearing the right size? If you go to a lingerie shop, they’ll fit you properly and you’ll know your size. Most women don’t and are wearing the wrong size.
Do you do self-breast exam? If you don’t, ask your doctor how to go about it or watch a reliable educational video. Do you have regular gyny exams? Keep yourself healthy.
Hello, my muscles! I remember you! I used to run and jump and do cartwheels a looong looong time ago. Well, don’t do cartwheels now, but you need to challenge your muscles to keep them strong or make them stronger. How do you do that? By moving. If you live in the country or a suburb, you probably drive everywhere. Time to put your sneakers on those well loved feet and start to walk.
If exercise is not your thing, you can embrace walking. Start slowly and increase the distance and speed over time. Commit yourself to walking and it will make all the difference in your muscles. You can even walk outdoors somewhere in nature and feed your soul at the same time! If walking is not open to you, think about some exercises you can do that will stress and release your muscles. What is the next level that you can take it to?
I know that most of us don’t give our bodies a second thought until they start to complain. Taking care of your body is the same as taking care of your soul. It’s appreciating the wonder of human life and nurturing it. It’s something you can do no matter what shape you’re in. Just start from where you’re at. Even small changes make a huge difference. The more you are in touch with what is going on inside your body, the easier it will be for you to manage anxiety and depression. Unite your mind and body and watch yourself glow!
I’d love to hear what you do to take care of yourself. Leave a comment below!
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Hi! I’m Vikki and I'll be your guide in your recovery process from Wife Abandonment Syndrome. I’m a therapist but also an abandoned wife like yourself and I know what it feels like. I want to help you not only bounce back, but to discover a new you in the process.
