Natural Healing
Forest Bathing, in Japanese, Shinrin Yoku, is a therapeutic practice that was developed in Japan and is now being taught around the world. It’s not just a walk in the woods. It’s about going out in nature and really connecting . . .
The heart of Montreal is the mountain. It’s not really a mountain, it’s more like a hill, but it’s the center point of the soul of the city. The mountain is really a park, designed in the 1880s by Frederick Law Olmsted, the same architect who designed New York’s Central Park. There is a wide paved path that circles around the mountain, as well as rustic trails that may trick you into thinking you’re out in the woods. On a beautiful weekend day, you might run into two or three friends on the path as the whole city is drawn to the vibrancy and tranquility of Mont Royal park.
The year my husband left, I turned to the mountain for solace. The weekends were long and quiet and I developed a practice of walking on the mountain every Sunday morning. My heart was aching but being in nature was a balm and I always felt better after my walk. Even though it was winter, he left in November and remember, this is Canada, I would dress up warmly and take to the path. It helped.
This past fall, I turned to nature again to connect with tranquility. I was able to hike in the woods (the real woods) every weekend for six weeks in a row. At some point on each trail, I would stop and stand still for a while, listening to all the sounds, watching all the life around me, breathing deeply and feeling like the breath was healing. This practice of arriving in a place of stillness in the woods would nurture me all week long.
I didn’t know that what I was doing had a name. It’s called Forest Bathing - in Japanese, Shinrin Yoku. It’s a therapeutic practice that was developed in Japan and is now being taught around the world. It’s not just a walk in the woods. It’s about going out in nature and really connecting - moving slowly with no destination and taking it all in. You can learn about it here: Forest Bathing.
Let me suggest that you try it. If you can’t get to the actual woods, find the most rustic park in your town and let the trees heal you. The trees, grasses, birds, water are all alive - see if you can feel part of it; if you can connect, even a little bit. It’s a practice so the more you do it, the easier it gets to relax into the arms of nature. And it will put your soul to rest.
Please share your thoughts and experiences below. We love to hear how nature has healed you.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Don't Let These Men Define Us Incredible Women!
Don't let these terrible men define us incredible women. We are so much better than them and we should be thankful to be free of someone who doesn't value all that we have to offer. I used to obsess over the fabulous life these young women were having with my husband, and then I realized he's not that great and he's not smart enough to keep up his fake charade of being amazing for very long.
Okay. Kick off your shoes. Get a cup of tea. Get comfortable. This is a long one but oh, so amazing. Here’s a heartfelt letter I received from Michelle from Atlanta and I so very much wanted to share it with you. It’s full of great advice to you from someone who has been there and gotten through it. Thank you so much, Michelle, for giving me permission to publish it! I know it will help so many women!
When my husband essentially abandoned me I was so distraught, but in my case he strung me along with false facts for many painful months. By him telling me how awful I was, that I wasn’t a supportive wife, that he didn’t deserve to be treated so poorly, and that I should have seen this coming, he kept me in a state of panic and desperation. It also shifted the power dynamic completely to his favor, despite my knowing none of what he was saying was true. I started the long “pick me dance”, and so began my many months of complete humiliation trying to convince my husband that he should come back to the life he claimed I forced him to leave.
When I think back now on all the completely degrading ways I kept trying to get him to acknowledge me (and the children), I feel sick. Through very expensive lawyers and years of waiting for discovery, I finally found out a lot of the truth. My husband was not only cheating, but with multiple women and spending money like he was a billionaire when he wasn’t. It was only first class travel, expensive hotels, lavish meals, etc. I am too embarrassed to write how much money was spent in a typical month, and what's even worse is that he had nothing tangible to show for it except an expanding waist line.
I can't believe he was able to get away with this for so long. I truly believed he was spending all of his time working on our growing business. I mean I did see him on TV as he was interviewed on CNN and Fox News, so it wasn't that I was completely delusional! The depths of the lies and deception were incredible and eventually it did lead to his downfall at work, but that just too impacted me financially.
Now with time, I realize that a man who cared about me would never leave us for himself and blame me fully for it. That he was a coward and a covert narcissist. That I kept trying to convince him he had it all wrong and that our relationship was worth saving, probably just made him feel great, but didn’t change a thing. It also didn’t stop him from syphoning our money secretly to new accounts, setting up new credit cards or sleeping with age inappropriate women.
There were lots of red flags during the time he left before I found out the truth, but I had made it my mission to convince him to come back and stupidly overlooked all of that. Also, with the perspective of time, I can see that even if all my convincing had worked, or if the younger women had dumped him, that I never would have had the same relationship again with my husband. What I mean is that I was on such a campaign to have my old life back I never really stopped to realize that what I was fighting for wasn’t worth it anymore and that I deserved much, much better.
The only comfort I have in this nightmare is that one day I can tell my children that I did absolutely everything to try and save our marriage. Something my ex-husband will never be able to say.
Here are some things that I would recommend to anyone else going through abandonment::
1) Watch videos and read self-help articles but don’t share them with him. I scoured articles and videos online that seemed similar to our situation and sent them to him often. I was obsessed and there is a lot out there to find. I doubt he ever read or watched them.
2) Don’t send him messages late at night. I sent him repeated texts very late at night, or in the early am, when I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes they were loving and sometimes pleading and begging for him to respond and return to us. Sometimes I was upset and lashed out. He rarely responded, but that didn’t stop me from sending. I now know he was in bed with other women at the same time. This probably made him feel even better about himself since he was getting away with cheating and I was still begging for him. So degrading and disgusting!
3) It’s ok to be stunned and hope he will come back, but don’t wait too long. I told lies to our children and friends that he was busy working and out of town to cover for him and keep his spot open in our life in case he decided to acknowledge me and our kids one day and come home. Looking back I should have probably only done this for a month or two, not almost a year.
4) If it looks like a duck, it’s a duck. I found a lift pass for a 20 something year old female for Machu Picchu in our home and believed his story when he said he had no idea what it was and that he had never even been there. Later I found out that he had in fact gone there with this girl, paying for two first class plane tickets, expensive hotels and a private tour guide, all while he claimed he was working in a different state.
5) Don’t be afraid to snoop. I didn’t check the cell phone bills. I think I was afraid for what I would find, but boy how I wish I would have done so much earlier than I did. I would have known the depths of how much he was cheating and with how many random women. This from a man I could barely get to respond to a text from me or the kids, I found hundreds, if not thousands of text messages with random women. That stung.
6) If you see something unbelievable, don't convince yourself it's not possible. I saw my husband in his SUV on the road in front of me with what appeared to be a young woman in the passenger seat and started to follow him. I then called him while following him and he said I was crazy and just seeing things. I proceeded to follow him for miles and miles and he wouldn’t pull over. I think this may have been one of my lowest points. I later found out that I was right. There was a female in there the whole time who had climbed into the back to hide. Did I mention I had his own mother in my car with me while all this was going on? I still feel so sick about that experience when I think back on it now.
7) Don’t sign anything! I signed what I thought were refinancing documents for our new home that turned out to really be a way for him to pull out extra cash to spend on his secret life with women. I wish I had not “trusted in my husband” and sought outside counsel before signing anything. I was more concerned with being a loving, supportive and welcoming wife, that I went against all of my better judgement. I can see now that the time around the signing of these documents that he was charming and manipulating me and it worked. Don't fall for it!
8) If he moves out, change the locks. If you can change the locks or set up surveillance cameras to keep him out, do it! In my case leaving the door "open" for his return majorly backfired. I found out in court while on the witness stand when my ex's lawyers put papers in front of me that were in my handwriting, that my husband had invaded my privacy and stolen from me. Apparently he knew when I was out of the house with the kids and took his time going through everything, and I mean everything. He even stole some of my things and my favorite jewelry, though I could never prove it. But the worst of it is he managed to find my personal therapy journals and took photos of everything and then attempted to use them against me in court! I was beyond mortified and humiliated.
Here is some advice for someone who is in the worst part of their nightmare:
1) Enjoy the divorce diet weight loss! Seriously, I actually got down to my college size jeans and was amazed. It also helped with my low self esteem after being rejected by my husband.
2) Don’t avoid going to gatherings or events where it will be mostly couples. I always ended up having so much needed fun and it is rare that the couples stick together the entire evening. Feeling normal from time to time was so nice.
3) Keep appointments that you don’t think you can handle. This includes hair cuts, mani-pedis, doctor's appointments, book clubs, school meetings, family gatherings, etc. I always thought of cancelling, but every time I went, I came home grateful for the distraction. There is nothing worse than time alone to keep you from being able to move forward. Know that you will go there and people will ask about your husband and or talk about their amazing husbands/lives, but don't let it affect you.
4) It's ok to not want to take your wedding rings off. I found it very hard to remove my wedding rings, so I rarely did. One thing I would recommend is maybe going to a grocery store or to an event well outside of your normal living area without them on as a first step. I found a grocery store two towns over and actually had single men interact with me which was a nice and welcomed feeling. People might say something to you about still wearing your rings, but it's not their business, and only you can decide when you feel comfortable removing them, if at all.
5) Take up a new hobby that your husband would have thought was stupid or a waste of time. Mine used to make fun of me when I made jewelry. I enjoyed making it (therapeutic) and giving it as gifts to friends. Now I am trying to make a real business out of it! I know it isn't probably healthy, but I dream of my jewelry line becoming successful not just for me and my kids, but so my ex can be frustrated.
6) Try and find a local divorce recovery workshop. They usually are not expensive and typically they have a speaker first and then break into smaller groups. I met some incredible people who I still talk to today. It’s tough to even show up and a bit humiliating, but don't leave! The one I went to actually had volunteers in the parking lot to help convince you to come in because they said so many people would turn around and leave. I’m so glad I didn’t!
7) Be prepared for the people you thought would be there for you not to be. I’m not sure why, but divorce to some people is almost like you have an infectious disease. They want to be supportive but not get too close. It’s upsetting, but if you know that it might happen, you won’t take it too personally. Sadly, this also applies to close family members. There were some get togethers that I wasn't invited to when normally I would have been. It hurt a lot, but just know that it will happen. I was also told once by a friend that I wasn't invited to something because the hostess was afraid her husband might talk and flirt with me. Strange but true!
8) It’s ok to let go of the commitment you made in front of your Rabbi/Minister/God. It is ok to let go of the dreams and all those plans for your future. This really is the hardest part, especially if you have children together. When I would think about being an empty nester all alone it made me feel physically sick. I held on thinking that one day that my husband would have an epiphany and remember our vows, our life, our plans... but that day never came. A man who would cheat and lie doesn't care about those commitments and only cares about himself. Plus who wants to be with a man who doesn't honor something so sacred? Would you have married him the first time if he had done this in his previous relationship with another woman? Probably not.
9) I feel it's ok to contact the other woman, but don't say anything incriminating that can be used against you! I never did this and regret it. The main young woman my husband cheated with is still hanging on to this day. I wish more than anything I would have reached out to her once I saw evidence years ago. Of course I don't know what would have happened, and chances are she still would have stuck with my husband because she is fully supported by him, but at least I would have gotten my truth out.
10) It’s ok to put yourself out there to date even if you still believe the horrible things your husband said about you. There are several women I am in touch with from our Sedona trip who say they have just given up and don’t even attempt to look for a relationship anymore. I say that is so wrong! That means their ex wins! The ex is still hurting you despite being long gone and living their fake new life with their pre-pubescent girlfriend. It’s like taking poison and hoping they get sick.
Final thoughts - That I was willing to do anything to get my dream back was, and still is, so humiliating. It’s also tough to come to terms that my not so great ex chose someone not so great over me. I’ve heard all the sayings like, “your better off without him”, or “one day he will realize what he gave up”, but the problem is that doesn’t make you feel any better. It still really hurts that my husband gave me up, our children, our fabulous life, all for a 20-something year old art school drop out who is not particularly attractive or smart.
Yes, I may be in my 40’s, but I am highly educated, told I am fairly attractive, am a very compassionate, friendly person, who is well liked and respected. Did I mention I have two Emmy awards? None of this was enough to keep my husband committed and it still hurts to this day. Sadly, I still fight daily with bitterness, which I hate. I dream of karma but it hasn’t come. Or at least not the way I want it.
However, I do know how lucky I am. I am recently remarried to the most incredible man. He sees in me all the things my ex-husband discarded and apparently didn’t value. My kids even like him (though that took some time and removal of their father’s brainwash and lies). I feel lucky every day, and I work very hard not to sink back into my bitterness and anger since I still have to deal with my awful ex due to the kids and our business. When my new husband and I tell people our story, we often hear the words “fairytale ending” or “I just got goose bumps”. I NEVER would have imagined that would be me since I was stuck for so long believing what my ex thought of me. I am so glad I opened my heart back up.
That is the main point of this letter. Don't let these terrible men define us incredible women. We are so much better than them and we should be thankful to be free of someone who doesn't value all that we have to offer. I used to obsess over the fabulous life these young women were having with my husband, and then I realized he's not that great and he's not smart enough to keep up his fake charade of being amazing for very long. This is a guy who managed to misspell my name multiple times on birthday/anniversary cards (not kidding)! He is destined to disappoint even the dumbest of dingbats.
This is Vikki again - I’d love to hear your reaction to all the great advice Michelle has shared. Take a minute and tell us what you think below. And, Michelle, thank you so much from all of us!
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Better, Not Bitter: How being abandoned changes you
The trick is to allow yourself to feel the injustice and anger - to feel the bitterness - but to pass through it eventually and develop that zen acceptance at what life has sent your way. So that, in time, you’ll heal and end up better, not bitter . . .
We had a great session of the Hearts & Minds Recovery Group (an online therapy group) and the conversation shifted to a discussion of how what happened to us has changed us. Penny and Lilly were talking about how they packed up all their husband’s belongings so carefully and thoroughly and then Marianne questioned why we all had to be such good girls in our marriages even as it was dissolving. Lilly said that all the sacrifices make sense if the marriage is ongoing but once it falls apart, they lose their meaning.
Marianne talked about zen acceptance - should we just move on with what life offers us, but Suzanne said that she’s bewildered and anxious. She worked her whole life to get to this stage where she’s retired and has put aside a certain amount of money, and now, she has to split it in half and is looking at the prospect of perhaps needing a mortgage again. It’s just not fair!
I struggled with the conversation because I felt that, of course, everyone needs to air their anger and frustration, but I worry that sometimes women get stuck in bitterness and never again feel happy and free, even in spite of what has happened.
Cherie responded that bitterness is a stage that you have to go through, like the grief and anger. She resents it when people say “Get over it” when they haven’t been through it and don’t know what it’s like. Then she said that we are all going to be changed but who is the person who comes out the other side?
Suzanne shared how she’s changed. She said that she used to be a cardboard cut-out who shut down when anything got too emotional. She was agreeable and avoided conflict and was uncomfortable asking for what she wanted. Since her husband left, she’s been in therapy and is learning to express herself and feel things. It’s a new world for her and she’s happy about the change.
So I suppose the trick is to allow yourself to feel the injustice and anger - to feel the bitterness - but to pass through it eventually and develop that zen acceptance at what life has sent your way. So that, in time, you will heal and end up better, not bitter.
Join in the conversation below and tell us what you think!
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Finding Your Feet - Moving Towards Recovery One Step at a Time
Wherever you are in your recovery, you need to push yourself past your comfort zone. If it’s early in the process, that may just mean getting out of bed . . . each of those little steps is essential to your recovery . . .
I watched a movie last night called Finding Your Feet. It’s a story about an upper class British woman, Sandra, who discovers at her husband’s retirement party that he’s been having a five year affair with her friend. Devastated, she leaves to go stay with her sister, Bif, with whom she’s been estranged for ten years. The husband quickly moves in with his affair partner.
The movie is about Sandra’s transformation. When she arrives at Bif’s messy working class flat, she’s emotionally shut down, crying and depressed. Bif, a free spirit, pushes her to come to her community dance class which Sandra very reluctantly does. After a few times at the class, she can’t help herself and she starts to be swept along by the fun of dancing and being in the group.
She meets a guy there who she initially can’t stand but eventually comes to love. She changes from being an up-tight repressed lady (literally - she’s Lady Sandra) into an alive fun-loving woman. She remembers that she used to love to dance. She finds her feet!
Okay - cliché. Why am I telling you this? Because the message is essential to you - that life begins at the end of your comfort zone. When Sandra’s husband first left, she couldn’t imagine that she could refashion a life for herself with the help of her kooky older sister. But the turning point came when she agreed to go to the first dance class.
She was miserable at that first class and didn’t want to participate. She struggled with herself and couldn’t raise her arms or move her feet and throw herself into the flow of the class. But just by going, miserable and all, she triumphed. She didn’t know it at the time but it was the first step toward her recovery.
A month after my husband left, some friends invited me to their annual Christmas party. I dragged myself there and, sitting among all the couples in a room that I’d been in with my husband the previous year, I was wretched. I left after twenty minutes. I thought it was a failure, but it was really an important step. I'd pushed myself to do something and the next time, it would be easier.
Wherever you are in your recovery, you need to push yourself past your comfort zone. If it’s early in the process, that may just mean getting out of bed, taking a shower, getting dressed and forcing some food down your throat. Later on, it may mean going to your friend’s birthday party or taking a class by yourself. And if you want to, even later on, it may mean taking a leap of faith and dating again.
Each of those little steps is essential to your recovery. You won’t be able to see it now but you need to push past your impulse to retreat, even in small ways and even if it doesn’t feel good. It’s a struggle, it’s a journey and I know you can get there. So stop and think right now of something that you know would be good for you that feels too hard and make up your mind to do it. Like Sandra, you can find your feet again!
Add your comments below. Tell us what that hard thing is, big or small, and how you plan to accomplish it.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – How He Morphs into an Angry Stranger
It's mystifying when our husbands change from being the loving man we knew for so long into a critical angry stranger. Here's an explanation . . .
We were talking tonight in the Hearts & Minds Recovery Group about how mystifying it is when our husbands change from being the loving man we knew for so long into a critical angry stranger. We were saying that we could all remember those turning point moments right after we learned that our husband was leaving when we were hit with the bizarre terms of our new reality – when he said things and behaved in ways that, in his former incarnation, he would never have done.
For example, my own husband was always very loving, and I was 100% secure that he was protective and wanted the best for me. The night he left, he had told me about his long affair. I referred to his girlfriend in some negative way and he said, “Don’t talk about her like that!” That shocked me. He was protecting her (this stranger) instead of me. It demonstrated that his allegiance had shifted and he was now relating to her like he had related to me for twenty-one years – like a caring, protective husband. That was one of the early moments that indicated to me how radically he’d changed.
In our group tonight, we spent a long time discussing how that happens – how did the old husband (a known quantity) suddenly shape shift into this alien. As we were talking, I had an epiphany that I wanted to share. It focuses on the turning point moment, the rupture, during which he changed. Up until that moment, he was keeping his options open by acting like he had always done. He had not declared that the marriage was over and the potential to remain was still possible.
He had to have had some ambivalence about walking away from his life as he knew it and because runaway husbands by definition are conflict avoiders, he may still have not gotten the courage to take the leap. But once his intention to leave is out in the open, he no longer has to keep up a façade. He has nothing to lose and he is now free to make visible what he had been keeping secret for so long – his rejection of the marriage and the transfer of his loyalty to the other woman, if one is in the picture.
After he has blurted out his intention, he no longer has to keep his options open – that door has closed behind him. It must be a huge relief for him to be able to give up the fiction that he is devoted to you alone. His resentment of the stress that he felt to keep you in the dark erupts (irrationally) in anger towards you. He had all this pressure inside which is now released along with the need to keep acting like he’s someone he’s not.
He resents you for putting him in the position of having to hide and lead a double life (okay – I said it’s not rational!) and that resentment can finally find expression. The guy who loved and protected you is free to morph into an angry stranger when it’s no longer in his interest to keep connected to you just in case he chickens out and doesn’t leave.
He has crossed the bridge from his old life to his new one at that moment of rupture and the landscape is completely different from his point of view. He’s no longer bound by the expectations of his life that existed a few moments earlier.
I hope this helps you understand a little bit more how your husband changed so radically out-of-the-blue. Please add to the conversation by posting your comment below.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Consumed by anger long after the marriage ends
Many women tell me that they hate feeling so angry all the time but they can't help themselves. They seek revenge and wish they could make their ex-husbands suffer what they’ve been suffering. I was thinking about how to help those women who can’t get out of anger’s grasp . . .
After my husband left, the anger took a long time to come. During the first months, I was hurt, sick and stunned. Anger was nowhere in sight. But later, when the hurt started to subside, the anger filtered in and stuck around for a long time.
Many women tell me that they hate feeling so angry all the time but they can't help themselves. They seek revenge and wish they could make their ex-husbands suffer what they’ve been suffering. They dream up schemes to hurt the guy and the other woman and some even follow through with those plans, but no matter what they do, it never hits the mark. The ex never suffers what you want him to suffer and anyhow, it doesn’t make the anger go away.
I was thinking about how to help those women who can’t get out of anger’s grasp - after all, it’s not a nice feeling - when I happened to read an article in Harper’s Magazine called “Facing the Furies” by Rebecca Solnit and was struck by much of what she wrote.
Solnit referenced the philosopher Martha Nussbaum when she wrote, “The urge to exact revenge derives from our desire for ‘cosmic balance,’ as well as from our attempts to overcome helplessness through displays of power. By this logic, revenge rights the scales, despite doing nothing to restore what was lost or repair what was damaged.”
We long to restore cosmic balance. That rang true to me. We are indignant and outraged that a wrong has been done but helpless to set it right. The world doesn’t seem in balance and the continuing anger is a response to that.
Solnit later writes, “Anger generally arises from a sense of having been wronged.” The world is not the way it should be - OUR world is not the way it should be - and since we can’t correct that, we are left with just the tarry residue of bad feeling in the form of anger.
Interestingly, the author goes on to discuss why anger is so hard to dissolve. “Fury is a renewable resource: though the initial anger may be fleeting, it can be revived and strengthened by telling and retelling yourself the story of the insult or injustice, even over a lifetime.”
By retelling ourselves and others the story of the injustice, we are seeking validation. We need to remind ourselves and need to hear from others, “Yes! You didn’t deserve that! What he did was wrong, wrong, wrong!” It helps us feel a little bit better but keeping the story alive also keeps us trapped. It fuels the unending anger that will turn us bitter.
So how do we break free once and for all from that cycle of retelling ourselves and others the story of the injustice? It comes from finally really knowing that what he did was wrong. Even if you weren’t a perfect wife, he could have left with more kindness and respect. It comes from really knowing that you didn’t deserve to be “kicked to the curb.”
Once you have integrated that truth and really know it deep inside, you won’t have to keep reassuring yourself that it was not your fault and you will no longer need others to do the same. Then it gets easier to open your grasp and let it all go.
Stop replaying all the sordid events in your mind. Stop telling the story to anyone who will listen. Start thinking about your future life and expand the periods of time in which he doesn’t even cross your mind. Fight for that and you’ll watch the anger dribble away. Become a fighter for your happiness and don’t let him turn you into an angry person.
Is anger still a factor in your life? How do you deal with it? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Hi! I’m Vikki and I'll be your guide in your recovery process from Wife Abandonment Syndrome. I’m a therapist but also an abandoned wife like yourself and I know what it feels like. I want to help you not only bounce back, but to discover a new you in the process.
