Some People are Painting Rainbows
Let’s not miss the good in the bad. Let’s use our own creativity and make a souvenir to remember this wild trip by. All the things that seemed unthinkable that have become everyday. We need to write it all down . . .
Do you feel like a pioneer yet? Are you doing things you never thought you would do? Cutting your own hair, home schooling your kids, baking your own bread, making do with whatever you have in the larder? This time is going to go down in history. Let’s not miss the hidden gift.
Alice Sommers, the oldest living Holocaust survivor who died at 106 said, “Even the bad is good if you know where to look for it.” Let’s not be so focused on the bad that we miss the opportunity to experience the good. The universe has pressed the reset button. Mother Nature has sent us all to our rooms to think about what we are doing to this planet. Let’s not skip that lesson.
This is a time of creativity bursting out everywhere. Some talking dog YouTube videos are so funny that people are laughing till they cry. I was invited to an international dance party. People are writing songs. Balconies are the new concert halls. Here in Montreal, we stood on our balconies and sang Leonard Cohen songs. In Italy, they’re singing the national anthem and playing accordion for the neighbors. People are cooking. My friend heard of a woman who is drawing a flower every day. I heard that kids are painting rainbows and sticking them in the front windows.
People are resilient, self-reliant, resourceful. We’re not bothering our doctors with small issues, our dentists’ offices are closed except for emergencies. We’re figuring work-arounds to make things happen. The organic grocer is taking orders, bagging your things and passing the bags to you through the front door. You pay online.
Let’s not miss the good in the bad. Let’s use our own creativity and make a souvenir to remember this wild trip by. All the things that seemed unthinkable that have become everyday. We need to write it all down. The schools are closed, restaurants are closed, we don’t meet our friends, we don’t go into work, Stephen Colbert did the Late Show from his bathtub. We couldn’t have imagined this!
As much as we’re avoiding each other, we’re reaching out to each other. Checking in. We have more time now that we’re not commuting, now that some of us are not working. We can contact our cousin in Tucson. We can have dinner parties with all of the guests eating at home connected by Zoom. Young people are distributing flyers offering to go grocery shopping for old people. We sign our emails to our friends with “Be well and stay safe.”
I honor the check-out workers at the supermarket. I send love to my mailman. I bow down to the nurses, doctors, ICU staff, respiratory therapists. I pay reverence to the hospital cleaners and kitchen staff. I appreciate the public officials who are working hard. The doormen, bus drivers. I don’t forget the garbage men and those that work in the recycling plant. We see you. We honor you. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Namaste.
Families are coming together or exploding apart. People are out strolling in household clusters. Husbands and wives are fighting. The stakes are high. Beautiful moments are experienced with kids. Vicious fights taking place at 4am with everyone listening. When this is all over, the landscape will have changed.
We have more time. The world has become a village. Every day is Shabbat. The skies are fresh and pollution is clearing because people aren’t driving. We’re cleaning our closets. Taking the dog for long walks. Doing Yoga with Adriene. Meditating. Taking up running.
How about keeping a journal on paper so you can remember it all? You can make one if you don’t have an old one in the back of the closet. Keep notes on events and thoughts. How are you feeling today? How did you sleep? Any bizarre dreams? Suffering? What’s the latest unthinkable thing that is happening? What are people saying?
Write it all down and then use your creativity. Put color in it, paste something into it, a quote, make a drawing, insert a photo that you can print on your printer. Make it beautiful, or raw, or painful, or full of fear but express it. And then express it again later in the day or tomorrow.
This is one for the books. Let’s not let it pass us by in a haze of anxiety, selfishness and fear. As Ryan Holiday said, the obstacle is the way. We can use this crisis as a springboard for growth and change, love and kindness, courage and grace. Embrace it. Breathe.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
From Surviving to Thriving
Depending on where you are in your life, opening yourself to growth means pushing yourself to do those things you know are good for you, even if they seem hard or scary. It means starting to say, “yes, sure” instead of “no, I can’t.” And then, one day, you’ll wake up and realize that all that work you did on yourself has made you strong and resilient . . .
My husband’s leaving transformed my life. Initially, in the first year, I would have said that it was only in a bad way. I was buffeted by terrible feelings – emotional pain, hurt, bewilderment, loneliness and, eventually, anger – struggling to stay upright in the face of gale force winds. I had to grapple with an unrecognizable new reality, one in which he not only didn’t love me but somehow, seemed to hate me. I lost thirty pounds and virtually stopped eating because I was forced to swallow something I couldn’t stomach.
I had to work on myself constantly, trying to find a way to stop obsessing, controlling my voracious need to talk about “it” to anyone with a pair of ears, willing myself to stop needing repeated validation that what he did was wrong. I worked hard to accept that life is unpredictable and even if things seem to be a settled, you never really know. I struggled to stop feeling jealous of others and sorry for myself.
His leaving transformed my outer life, but the result of his leaving transformed my inner life. All the emotional work I did those first few years, through my own thought processes, through reading books like When Things Fall Apart and The Dark Night of the Soul, through therapy and talking with friends, all that emotional work changed me and that change was in a good way.
I had to struggle to get up above the churning whirling waters and envision a new and different future. I swam hard against the current of negativity and despair and that hard swimming strengthened me. I fought to love life again.
Over the years since my husband left, I’ve come to recognize what a gift he gave me. I know my circumstance is unique. As a result of his leaving, I wrote Runaway Husbands, which led to the development of the Runaway Husbands website and the privilege of connecting with thousands of amazing women all over the world. I know my work has helped many of them and that gives my life meaning.
But even if your husband’s leaving does not turn into a career path for you, I know you have a choice. Faced with an enormous life struggle, you can choose to turn bitter or be better. Embedded in this challenge is a glimmer of possibility by which you can strengthen your mind and learn, once again, to love life. And following a life and death struggle when you can love your life, in whatever form it’s in, you become different. In a good way.
I just finished reading a best-selling memoir by Samra Zafar called A Good Wife: Escaping the Life I Never Chose. The book is about how she was pushed into an arranged marriage at the age of 17, leading to years of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of her husband and his parents with whom she lived, far from her family and homeland. For many years, she was constantly blamed and criticized, isolated with no one to turn to. After many aborted attempts, she summoned all her smarts and emotional strength to escape from the marriage and the dictates of her culture, which demanded she remain and take it.
She eventually was able to break free, go to university and build a life that inspires women trapped in abusive relationships all over the world. In A Good Wife, she wrote that an interviewer once asked her who was the person most influential in her success. She thought about it and then answered that it was her husband, Ahmed. Had she never had to struggle as a result of his abuse, she would not have grown into the person she has become. She writes: I’m committed to letting my past make me better, not bitter. I strive to forgive Ahmed, his family and my parents, not because what happened was okay – it can never be okay – but because giving resentment, anger and hatred any place in my heart will only leave less space for love, joy and happiness.
Wherever you’re at in your recovery from Wife Abandonment Syndrome, I hope that you too will strive to turn this crisis into an opportunity for your growth as a person. I know that may seem confusing and vague and you may be wondering what you would need to do to work on yourself.
Depending on where you are in your life, opening yourself to growth means pushing yourself to do those things you know are good for you, even if they seem hard or scary. It may mean taking a drawing class, joining a chorus, volunteering at the animal shelter or going to a party where you don’t know many people. It may mean challenging yourself to learn to balance a checkbook or stopping yourself from projecting bitterness and acrimony.
It means starting to say, “yes, sure” instead of “no, I can’t.” And then, one day, you’ll wake up and realize that all that work you did on yourself has made you strong and resilient.
You can learn more about Samra’s book HERE and please, leave a comment below and tell us what you’ve done to turn this crisis into an opportunity for your personal growth.
Are you a woman whose husband suddenly left? Click here for more resources to start your healing process.
Hi! I’m Vikki and I'll be your guide in your recovery process from Wife Abandonment Syndrome. I’m a therapist but also an abandoned wife like yourself and I know what it feels like. I want to help you not only bounce back, but to discover a new you in the process.
