What is shame in the first place? It’s a fundamental feeling that you have done something wrong or that there is something wrong with you and others can see it. We all have shortcomings that we’d rather the world not know about but when your husband walks away from the marriage, it may feel like your secret flaws are broadcasted to the whole world.
Is my husband gaslighting me - saying whatever he wants to undermine my version of our relationship so that he can have an excuse for “having” to leave? Believing yourself in the face of someone else’s adamant denial of your reality requires grit. Trust your lived experience!
You need to become a fighter for your own happiness and get defiantly determined to grab hold of your life and, no matter what stage you’re at, put one foot in front of the other and craft the next chapter. Your ex doesn’t get to define you. You do! And you don’t need to be perfect to love yourself.
I’ve noticed that the women who participate in Runaway Husbands activities are smart, deep, warm, special. Maybe it goes with the paradigm - abandoned wives tend to be empaths - caring and self-sacrificing . . .
My wish for you is that you turn down his power to upset you so that rather than getting wounded or outraged, you can say, “There he goes again - I know his tricks and ways!” My wish is that you will be able to remember that the thing he did to hurt you today, won’t hurt so much in three days . . .
Justice is a luxury that most abandoned wives don’t get to enjoy. But rather than letting it consume you, you need to recognize when it's time to accept that you won't get closure from him and give up trying . . .
Once you have mastered the Stoic approach, rather than bemoaning things that happen to you that you may label as bad or unfortunate, you’ll learn to welcome them as an opportunity to hone your ability to create value from adversity . . .
Rejection, betrayal and the loss of the dream of your future all figure into why it hurts so bad, but there is an even deeper reason. Attachment injury touches you in a primal place making that sudden loss of attachment feel like a physical assault.
You really have two choices. You can close up shop and not risk any new relationship which means that you will be safe but also may miss out on the pleasure of having someone in your life. Or, you can open your heart wisely, taking a chance with no assurances but being willing to expand your life to admit someone else . . .
The Lady in Number 6 touched my soul, not because of the experience Alice Sommers had in the camps but because of the person she was and her approach towards life. She was born an optimist and was always laughing, even in the camps.
So, Tinker Bell, how do you get your pixie dust back now that your ex has scattered it to the winds? How do you get back your power, now that you no longer have that socially sanctioned, well-defined role of wife?
I’ve really gotten to know the women in our runaway husbands world and so often have been dazzled by them. In the early years, I started to notice that the women who participate in my activities are smart, deep, warm, special . . .
Christmas tree ornaments are about family time. Each one contains inside it a little bomb of a memory. As you unpack each colorful bauble, you’ll remember where you were when the two of you got it.
So think about it for a moment. In the intensity of longing for something you have lost, have you lost sight of the precious gifts you still have?
If your husband leaving can contribute to you struggling to become a more positive person, to strengthen your appreciation of your life just as it is, so you can love life, no matter what is happening, then you can chalk it up to experience.
Just remember, as huge as this feels, it too shall pass and you all can return to a new but different life at some point. In the meantime, pat yourself on your back - you’re doing a wonderful job!
How can you be both authentic and feel your true feelings while, at the same time, work on cultivating the awareness that although you have lost so much, you still have so much left?
Why don’t we have a divorce funeral? A rite of passage to acknowledge the end of the marriage rather than what we currently do, which is to slink away in hurt and shame?
If your happiness is dependent on you living the life you had in the past, then you will never be happy again because that life is over. But perhaps, you need to make a new definition of what constitutes your future life and potential happiness. Rather than focusing on all you have lost, can you tally up all you still have? . . .
This year, the holidays are going to be a doozie. You not only have to deal with the pain of remembering happy Thanksgivings past when you celebrated with your husband and the family but you also may have to be planning a quiet meal with just the few people allowed in your bubble . . .
